as you can seeeee...my blog skin has problems.yepp!I'm going to change it,but not very sure of which one i should change into.this time,there will be no linkings with others^^
Today is also a very special day(:and i will say it now.

Just came back from camp btw..camp was 4 days 3 nights,yeahh.

WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU!WE WILL WE WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE A HAM CHIM PANG!NEVER LET YOU STAND AGAIN!ROTI PRATA ROTI PRATA!BURN AHH BURN AHH,BURN TILL CHAO DA!MUTTU CURRY,MUTTU CURRY!EAT LAA EAT LAA EAT YOUR CURRY!SAK(clap 4 times)!SAK(clap 4 times)!SAK SAK SAK SAK SAMBODE!!SI SUA SUA SI SUA SI SUA SUA!WOO WOO!SI SUA SUA SI SUA SUA SI SUA SUA!GO FLY KITE!SI SUA SUA SI SUA SUA SI SUA SUA!PEACE BOND!!!!WOOOOOOOOOOOOO~

yepp,this lazy ass down here did not post like damn long.as i said 'LAZY ASS' woooooo~
went to ATC ,its our annual training camp in case you don't know..
so yeah,when all of us got back we were like mosquitoe bites everywhere like seriously laa..
and every single thing is like damn noisy outside the camp:D still getting used to it.yepp.
camp was quite funn actually!
we all got a good laugh at the 'tain ji' A.K.A that hao chi lan zhuo person.
she like fcuk liddat sia!every time eat eat eat!don't know how to work!
then everytime suck up to chers and seniors-.-
i like seriously don't understand her laa..it's like she don't have conscience one lehh..
sorry,the 'like seriously' phrase is picked up from my seniors and after camp i started to say it again again and again... ...(:
SEC 3 SENIORS,YOU ROCK!!!OMG,OMG!!!:D
yepp,they like seriously rock to the innermost of the innermost to the innermost of the core!
the camp is a 4 days 3 nights type of camp,in case you wanna know:D
sooo,we all just came back from camp on 9 november.
and then then then then,we went to watch movie on the next day!

Heyy,Bus-thirds and Bee-ches out there!H-E-L-L-O!!!(:
teeheheheheheheheh..(:
watching Personal Taste nows.nice ou xiang ju!^ ^heeeeezz
they are so KAWAII laa~weeeeeeeeeeezzz^^drunken by them.hahah..
holidays are starting next friday.Boooo~B-O-R-I-N-G~
hahah..and its true!(:
so yeah,while writing this my father tells me to stop.
so yeah..,byes.(:

bored-ed by the days AFTER exams,blehh!!
since today is marking-day for our school,we are all not supposed to go to school..
sort of like a mini holiday,from saturday till monday.tht kind of thing..
weeeeeeeeeeeeheheheh..just damn bored.even the computer can't help me.
plus i'm lazy to go out(:

*Heyy Friends,if any of you wants to go out during the holidays please tell me.
If you don't know,this is something my father ORDERED me to do:
"You must at least go out twice a week when the holidays start."His masjesty said.
So please uhh,help me.Tell me when you are planning to go out.
Jealous??Please don't be..if you are as lazy as me,you will seriously feel the pain(;
But if you don't believe what i say,go ask either Christine or Jie yi.
**But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE only tell me to go out when the holidays start.
And in case you do not know when the hell do holidays start,here's the start date and end date:20/11 - 31/12(2011 not included in the date)*
Thank You(:

So,the above notice is real.please do take note.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeheheheheheh..Exams are finally over!!!hahah..
at last can relax le!!YIPEE!hope that my results will be GOOD!
And hope that my parents will do as they promised:bring me for ear pierce.
today's exam ended at 9.30.reach my house at around 10.30.
then use computer until now(:
going to use computer until i'm sick of it(okayy,i'm abit sick of it already)

hehh..i think i will long long post 1 time now.(:
even if i can use the computer i will be too busy for blogging..
hahah..thats rubbish!lol.
instead i use my time watching videos on youtube.
yepps,videos on Super Junior.*smiles*
i now realise that without them i can't live and i don't know why.
okay,thats really rubbish(:hahah..
but i think if they heard that,they will be very happy that theres such a person(:
thick skinned.heheh..
it's the holidays now and yupps,i need to go back for REMEDIAL.
one of the things i don't like very much:DDDDDDDD
somemore is maths remedial lehh..hehh..but i know that i need it.
weeeeeeeeeeeeee..
tmr going pei xuan's house to practice the home EC thing right after remedial.
going to eat what we cook tmr.
*cross fingers*hope that what we cook is edible.(:

weeeeeeeeeeeee....very long never post le..heee..
so...got my presents alr.(:
Got a note book from Hui Hua{crazy parnter} and Mei Ru{milo}
The sand clock from Nurul and Pooja{2 crazy people whom i love.}
And a SUPER JUNIOR BONAMANA CD<>
YIPEE!!got my wish(:i love it!!!its from Christine,Pei Xuan,Sze Ying,Syaza,Yuan Ting and Jie Yi.love them(:

13 AT LAST!!(:
heeeeeezz...this girl here dun want face.(:
hahahah..got many birthday wishes today!!
yepps,today i damn happy.

SABRINNA IS OFFICIALLY 13 TOMORROW!

YYYYEEEAAAHHH!!!Birthday countdown is 3 days!!!:D
soooo,in 3 days i will be 13.GOD,that's so fast!!teheheh..
weeeeeez...used the computer 2 days in a row.lol.
now i don't know what to say..hahah..
nvm,i will write what i want for my birthday.

WANTED:
-Super Junior's BONAMANA CD.
-Samsung GALAXY S phone
-Maths to pass.

Thats all(:

Hieesss..lol.hahah(:
went to sch today to see people running in the rain with a torch:D
damn stupid lorr...raining still can run..then my shoe become black black.hahah..
Yesterday is National Day!!!YEEEAAAHH!!!hahah..
Independence day for dearest Singapore also..YIPPEE!
weeeeeeehehe..9th August!!
The damn best day ever,besides my b'day luhh..
yea..Birthday coming le..
*hint* *hint*
hahah..hope to get Super Junior's 4th album tht 1 i no money buy luhh.
soft toys are also acceptable..lol.eeeee,i damn dun want face..XDDD

The cookies are coming le..i think laa..no comment.XDDDD
Super Junior's "Boom Boom" is gonna be typed out soon!!!:DD
teheheh.."No Other" also coming uhh..so wait.
eeyer say until like very big liddat..hahah..BHB.
i think i'm going to watch "Brown Sugar Macchiatto" l8r..
i miss them super much..hahah
but 1st i'm going to watch the "No Other" music video!:DD

Been SICK for these 3 days:1-3 august.
got sore throat 1st then high fever next.
the highest temperature i got is 39.7 degrees.weeeeeeeeez...
i sort of missed going to school cuz its bored being at home without food i love.
hahah...i think tmr is my back to sch day.
so yea,get ready for me people.lol lol.
for those who doesn't know why i never go to school pls ask my blog.
i don't want to say anything...

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....i very long never use com le.hahahah..
Tmr is my cousin's wedding!!!YEEEEAAAHHH!!!010810.
i'm giving her a photo frame with 2 figurings at the bottom.
not only is it useful,it is also beautiful!!:DD
it's gonna be a special day tmr..hehe..1st august is also the birthday of...
JOYCE~MIAO!!!hahahah..miao miao{meow meow}^^
i not sure of what to give her lehh...i'm sure i can think up of something!!

Bonamana-Super Junior
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7rL1Wgdqi0

{Look at me}...
Do you know or not,know or not.
That you're a pretty,beautiful girl.
Even if you call me crazy,i still like you,beautiful girl.
Someone tell this to my baby to my baby.
That i'm here,that i'm waiting.{baby you turn it up now!}
You're neither yes or no,yes or no.
Say something beautiful girl.
If i had your love,i would be the winner of life.
This world is logic,logic is to follow.
Guys who are brave,guys like me.
Old sayings say that picking ten times is overboard.
Shrug,shrug,shrug.
That girl is a powerful enemy.She's unmovable.
Pout,pout,pout.
What will i do?What will i do?
That girl is my only interest.


*Bounce to you,bounce to you,my heart is
beating so fast for you,running to the point that it can't be caught.
Break it down to you,down to you,my heart will stop.
If my heart can't take you,it will stop.{Look at me}
Would you look or not.look or not,at a guy like me?
You neglect,neglect,neglect me.
Even if i turn around.
Even if you look,look and look.
There's no one else but me.
Obviously,obviously,obviously.
There's no one like me.
{Baby you turn it up now!}

What should i buy,buy,buy,buy as a present for you.
Oh,i'm going crazy from your image that i'll like even by just thinking about it.
Listen girl,i like you.
Baby girl,i love you.
I'm the only guy for you.
Please listen to the confession i have for you.
Say it to my heart,stop making me worry and please nod,nod,nod.
Even if it takes much effort,i'll save the world and be admirable,admirable,admirable.
What should i do?What should i do?
That girl is my everything.

*Bounce to you,bounce to you,my heart is
beating so fast for you,running to the point that it can't be caught.
Break it down to you,down to you,my heart will stop.
If my heart can't take you,it will stop.{Look at me}
Would you look or not,look or not,at a guy like me?
You neglect,neglect,neglect me.
Even if i turn around.
Even if you look,look and look.
There's no one else but me.
Obviously,obviously,obviously.
Theres no one like me.
No one,no one,no one,no one...

I'm finally going to go crazy.
I'm going to explode.
i can't take this anymore,her pushing and pulling.
Oh,i'm really gonna go crazy.
Someone put an end to this.
Someone should've told me it would be this hard.
It's true,true that my feelings don;t have a place to go.
You know that i adjusted myself to fit you.
How to keep loving you?
I'll be really good to you.
Don't just let me rot like this.
I'll wait,beautiful girl.
Hope you step to me,step to me.
I love you,beautiful girl.
Bring it,sign to me,sign to me.
Hahahaha hahahahaha.
It seems like she have been preparing to look at me.

*Bounce to you,bounce to you,my heart is
beating so fast to you,running to the point that it can't be caught.
Break it down to you,down to you,my heart will stop.
If my heart can't take you,it will stop.{Look at me}
Would you look or not,look or not,at a guy like me?
You neglect,neglect,neglect me.
Even if i turn around.
Even if you look,look and look.
There's no one else but me.
Obviously,obviously,obviously.
There's no one like me.
No one,no one,no one,no one.

Doing homework now.(history power point slides,bleagh.)
printing them out now..the colour is like totally wrong laa..
frustrated..lucky i got save the thing in my thumb drive.hahah..
l8r then i come back..

Today never go to school.
Sick uhh...at like 12 midnight that time i vomit out all the food i eat for dinner.
then at 2 plus i vomit water/digestive juice out on my bed!!!
my mother hve to wash the the things that are dirty...she looks tired.
Booo!!its gonna be bored at home..
going to see the doctor l8r.now my stomach feel sick and my throat feel pain.
haizz..bad bad luck uhh..
have to keep this post short cuz i used the computer to email my cher,Ms lin.

In My Dream-Super Junior{Sung Min,Kyun Yun,Ye Sung,Dong Hae and Ryeo Wook}
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Mhv3vlZaHZc

She comes back.She says she's sorry.
The skilled hands that i missed,carrass my own.
The apologetic eyes that look at me,the voice i want to hear.
Tenderly telling me not to cry.
If i hold you in my arms,you disappear and the tears,and my pillow becomes wet.
At last i wake up from my sleep.
Morning is always like this...My love.

*I hope i fall asleep forever like this.
I wake up with her presense still...
Although i hope i don't dream again,
today too it seems i fall asleep with her presense.

She's smiling,it's really been too long.
I've missed that expression,she's my girl isn't she?
She's walking away,embracing another person.
My chest feels like it's being crushed under a heavy weight.
I'm dreaming again,right?
Cold sweat runs down me,it hurts to dream of things i hate to even remember.
I can't do anything all day long.
We'll spend time together,right my love?

*I hope i fall asleep forever like this.
I wake up with her presense still...
Although i hope i don't dream again,
today too it seems i fall asleep with her presense.

Everything is becoming cloudy,but her image is getting stronger.
Like in yesterday's dream,today she comes to me.
Now i don't asleep alone.

*I hope i fall asleep forever like this.
I wake with her presense still...
Although i hope i don't dream again,
today too it seems i fall asleep with her presense.

If only i can see you again today.
If i could do it again,
If you came back again...
If you slept by my side just once more,
If it happened once again,i wouldn't want to wake up.
If i could fall asleep...

"One fine spring day" is a nice song!!!
Actually it's suppose to be in Korean..but i can't copy and paste the thing..
so yea,here it is in english..(:
i'm still planning to type out "Congulation" and "In my dream"
but i dunno when i have the time maybe tmr..

One Fine Spring Day-Kim Ryeo Wook.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RB2irhAT5k

A warm wind,is blowing like it was that night.
The flowers that you have planted lovingly planted,have bloomed.
Before i know it,spring has come again.
I still want to sleep deeply,like it's winter.

*You so very far away,so very far.
You are very far away from me.
To be honest i miss you everyday.
Even the very small,very small trivial things...
Make me think of you everyday.

Your comforting scent,
fills the room in the flowers scattered around.
Because i'm afraid,that one day i won't be able to feel it.
I want to take hold of even the the air you are in.

*You are so very far,so very far.
So far away from me,to be honest i miss you everyday.
Even the very small,very small trivial things...
Make me think of you everyday.

A day becomes months.
It seems that even in my heart too,a new spring has come...

Your are in a very far away,far away,far off place.
I believe,when i'm with you, everyday is spring.
In a very far off day,a very far off future,if you see me again.
Tell me that we were always together...

Today is Cultural Nite!!!^^hahahs!
The performance very nice!!
saw CHRISTINE mummy!!!!
MISS HER SOOOOO MUCH!!
L8r i will upload the photo i took with her.
after the performance we talked to christine for a while the go home.
then my mother call me to meet me for dinner.
We ate KOREAN food!!!yummy shiat!!the photos will be up l8r too...

I MISS YOU,CHRISTINE TAN YAN PING!!!
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

I logged in lyk about 3 times alr...kekekeke!!!parents come back home alr!YEAH!!!
hahahah...listening to songs now.^^dunno what to write le..lawlz..
my mother 'persauding' me to go shower.hahahs!!!those who are practicing for
Cultural Nite must be very tired...hahahs!!:DD
i hope that they will be able to get a GOOD GOOD rest after that!^^

Super Junior.Find out about them on:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Junior

Another picture of them.this one has ALL 13 of them,with Han Geng,Ki Bum and Kang in inside it.:DDDDDDDDD

l8r got tuition at 5 till 6.30.now talking to my cousin,we talking about holiday..hahah..
the holiday better end soon!or else i will die of boredom and of the stupid chen yu cls
that i'm taking becuz of my parents.blegh! even though i love chinese,
i also hav limits de...going to watch brown sugar macchiatto now,i love them they are so cute.hahah...:D

yo!!!!!i came back from the swimming lessons le!
too bad i can't go!:(i think i next week can go laaa...
*cross fingers*
hope so!even though i never go in its still fun!!
:DDDDDDso happy!but i quite jealous of the others....
that is all for today laa...lets talk bout wednesday!!!

i after the exam paper i wan go compass de...
then my mother call...then i now very zhu yi that weather the bus
will go to compass not...is a 85 bus in front of sch...
you better not go in...i at first tot is go 1 big round de so i did not go down
when it stop at around sengkang that time...haizz...
then it went to the highway...go to sembawang...
lucky got people need go to the mrt stationor else i won't be here le!!!
hahahs...^^then me and christine go sit the mrt{khatib station!!!}
to bishan then sit circle line to serangoon then back to seng kangl;compass...
waste my money and time shiat!hahah...

now listening to songs and using facebk...
i feel lyk watching brown sugar macchiatto all over again...
the are so cccuuuutttteee!!!!!hahah....

At last she stays in place!!!but...there's no face to be seen.its also her fault.

The MYE ended TODAY!!!!WA!!!SHIOCK!
went to the swimming briefing after the MYE-science.
then go to compass to eat BIG BIG BREAKFAST!!:DDDDDDDDD
at macdonald.wa lao eh i almost everyday go there eat lorr.sian ...
now exam end le is lyk super relax lorr!!!the feeling very nice!!!:DDDDD
now i can do wat i wan le!!!
I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!
lyk a bird kept in a cage and then one day the owner let the
bird go....*tweet tweet!*
after the big big breakfast peixuan,christine,jie yi and me
went to the sell sticker or art and craft place outside macdonald
to but those plastic 'sticker' to colour and then give to
christine.actually is more lyk we are giving it to water.closet
the 2 of them de but since water is not there we gave it to closet.:DDDD
l8r i upload the photos of the whole event ok?

Now i using face book.:DDDDDDDDD
now is still exam period sia...next week going to end le...
i think...not much to say...hahah...i must also remember
to go to compass to return my books and buy a new hair band...
MY OLD ONE SNAPPED AND SAY GOODBYE TO ME:'(
AWWWW...SAD...*SNIFF SNIFF*
and i must also go and buy the bear bear key chain that
my christine lao ma-CLM bought...they are soooo CUUUUTTTTEEE!!!
of coure i 'm going to buy diffrent one from her laa...
THAT IS SO GUARANTEED BY ME.
hahah...:DDDDDDD
I also want to wish Yuan ting a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
and since its your BIG DAY yesterday....i wrote happy birthday in big letters!!!!
ni you lao le yi shui!!!:DDDD hahah...love you!!!!!
dun eat too much sweets horr...l8r no more teeth then you know!!!hahah

ELLO!:DDDDDDDD
Chatted with my cousin just now...
Oh...and chatted with chun hin on both fb and MSN.
chun hin and me both very frustrated with the stupid
commenting on the i love 6 love picture by jacelyne...
stupid sia...that mak weng jun mei you mao laaa...change name then
write all those rubbish comment lyk 'see how you survive.' and 'zzzzzzz'
mei you mao laa you so big le still play this kind of game...
haiqal you also laa...fat asss...eat my shoe laa you...talk talk talk...
wan talk go MSN talk laa...dun spam my email.its not for spams please...
i dun understand why people just can't keep their mouth shut sia...
i was lyk STFU STFU STFU...lyk siao za boh liddat...i type that 'STFU' alot
of times le...any people was lyk keep on commenting on that stupid picture...
go back primaty school la you...childish...mei you mao...
my email not for spamming sia...i press the left click alot of times just to delete
ALLLLLLL the emails from that picture's comment thingy...
WAT THE HELL...

i lyk this blogskin. http://www.blogskins.com/info/185477
this one too. http://www.blogskins.com/info/228680
and this too. http://www.blogskins.com/info/218276
this three are soooooooo nice....^^
gonna use one of them...

This blogskin is so for those who lyks the show ToGetHer
the url will be http://www.blogskins.com/info/248818
now i looking for blogskin.yea!!!
so i going to post things here during this time.^^

let me continue wat i wanna say yesterday.
but first the updates on today:D
today go home saw macus and benjamin,yes.the freak.:D
he eat food on bus still say can...wa lao...
pa jiao de...cannot see the sign that say cannot eat in bus...
hahah.the food/sweet/chocolate very smelly leh.
sorry!^^he offered me some,but since it smells bad so i did not eat it.
well...it will probably be melted or something bad happened to it
cuz...
its
not
normal
for him to be so nice.{i rather him being not nice,cuz tats more normal.}
when he got off the bus i saw the coke in his hands.haizz...
wasted.never saw the coke or else i will be drinking it le!!!
hahah:DDDDDD

now yesterday's updates
ms lin called,say that i read bk in assembly and in cls
and the bk is labixiaoxin
somemore the cover got the 'Below 18 cannot read' sticker
#$@%!!! tat bk is not even obscene lorr...
FREAK HER.
if my father saw this he sure give me another
nagging section de.
i confirm.i guarantee.
he alr give me nag le somemore must write letter to apologise.
enough of the bad things.


now i facebking!!!same routine as usual:DDDDD
enough writing le.BYE-SSSSS!!!!

using school lifebk to blog during D&T nowssss:DDDDDD
cher not in...so i dare.heh heh...
update you on yesterday,kay?
yesterday form cher call my father because me and.
cher come le.byes...:DDDDD

ya...i know veryt long never post le....heh heh...
busy...now exam period somemore..
today is chinese paper 1 & 2.p2 quite easy...
but p1 i take very long to write the second compo,
then i cut shorty the thing and said that i never get caught stealing
but i know that i'm wrong.(fake story pls...)
after exam(which ends at 12)i go compass with Christine...
saw Donna:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:Dvery long never see her le...
she was lyk "sabrinna!""sabrinna!"i was wondering who call me....
then i recognise the voice is Donna de....so i wave....
MAN....was that embarrassing enough...hahah:)
eating dinner le...BYE~SSSSSSSS!!!!!!

Believe You By Low Kay Hwa


Chapter 1

I had never expected my first day of school to be so interesting.

It would take at least an hour for the bus to arrive at my new school, National Junior College. I had brought along only a small bag that contained a few pieces of blank paper, a pencil case and a Discman. I presumed the teachers would not teach us anything on the first day of school. After all, they claimed that it was supposed to be an “Orientation Day”. I was really not looking forward to it. In fact, I dreaded it.

I managed to find a seat in the crowded bus. Most of the passengers were students in their “tucked-out” uniforms. When the bus started moving, I closed my eyes, ready to sleep through the hour-odd ride that would take me all the way from Boon Lay to Bukit Timah.

“Hey, hello!” someone in the standing crowd yelled. I woke up from my dazed dreams and looked up. A guy standing near the entrance smiled at me. He was wearing the same uniform as mine. “Hello!” he yelled again.

Almost all the passengers looked at me. The bus was at Bukit Batok Road, which meant it was still pretty far from National Junior College. On closer scrutiny, I realized it was Jacky Wu, one of my secondary schoolmates. I did not reply. Instead, I searched for my Discman, acting as if I did not hear him.

“Hello to the girl searching for something in her bag!” Jacky shouted again. This time, a few passengers giggled. I kept my head low and finally found my Discman. Without hesitation, I capped the earphones onto my ears. “Hello to the girl listening to a Discman!” he continued. I pressed the ‘play’ key continuously but no sound came out from the earphones. “Hello to the girl wearing the same uniform as me!” he pressed on. The batteries must have run out of juice. Not now! “Hello to the girl wearing glasses! Hello! Hello! Hello!” Almost all the passengers were waiting for me to acknowledge Jacky.

“Hello to Joanna!” He finally said my name. I knew there was only one way to shut him up and put an end to my embarrassment. I smiled at him. He seemed pleased and never said anything anymore.
The bumpy journey went on for another thirty minutes. He alighted at the same stop as me, but I was quick enough to evade him and dashed to the side gate of the school as fast as I could.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I did not know Jacky that well. In fact, we had only held one conversation when we were in secondary school, and it lasted for less than three minutes. We were never in the same class.

Jacky was one of the popular guys in school. He is handsome and can crack jokes really well. Many girls drooled over him, but the rumour was that he did not have a steady girlfriend.

One day, when we were in Secondary Three, Jacky was invited on stage to crack a joke during an assembly period. If he could get everyone to laugh, he would win a prize. He thought for a while before he said, “There was once a …” I was not listening to him. I was totally lost in my own thoughts.

When he finished his joke, there was a long period of silence. Suddenly, the hall exploded into ripples of laughter. My classmates around me laughed like mad people. Even the teachers laughed out loud. I frowned, unable to fathom what kind of joke could set everyone laughing so insanely.

When the laughter subsided, a teacher was about to pass Jacky a prize when he declined to take it. “Someone didn’t laugh.” he announced. For no logical reason, the audience laughed again. He pointed to my direction and proclaimed, “That girl didn’t laugh.” I glanced around me, hoping he was not referring to me.

“Which girl?” the teacher asked, looking around.

“That girl with the glasses and long hair.”

The teacher scrutinised all the students in my direction. “You mean the girl with tied up hair?”

“Yeah, that’s the one. She never laughs!”

I clenched my hand into a fist. How can a big guy like him be so petty?

“Joanna!” the teacher said. “You didn’t laugh?”

I kept quiet. To have my name called out in an assembly did not feel good. “Joanna, can you please wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke?” Jacky uttered and some people giggled loudly. “I beg you.”

My classmates urged me to stand up. Feeling the pressure and the lack of time to think of anything else, I stood up and said sarcastically, “Ha, ha, ha.” Then, I sat down and buried my head under my hands.

Everyone laughed out loud at my scornful remarks. I promised never to forgive that Jacky Wu for embarrassing me in front of three hundred people.

After school that day, he came forward and apologised. “Hey, I’m sorry about just now. Was just trying to create some comical effects. I hope you’re not offended?”

I shook my head.

“Jacky Wu.” he introduced himself.

“I know. The famous and arrogant Jacky Wu.” I had not expected myself to say that. “Joanna. Joanna Fung.”

“I never expected myself to be arrogant. But famous? I agree on that.” he beamed. “Are you always so introverted and… unfriendly?”

“Unfriendly?” I glared at him. “I never expected myself to be unfriendly, Jacky.” I walked off quickly, not wanting to continue the conversation.

“But you’ve got like … no friends at all!”

I did hear his reply, but I acted as if I did not hear it. I continued to walk off. In fact, what he said was true. I had classmates, but I had like … no friends at all. Except for one. Just one.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Actually, there was no way for me to completely avoid Jacky in National Junior College.

He was everywhere. I had tried all means to avoid him but my efforts were futile. “Hey, Joanna. What a coincidence! We’re going to be schoolmates for the next two years, as well!”

“Yeah.” I replied.

“What class are you in?”

“03A02.”

“Oh my gosh!” he covered his mouth and jumped around like a madman. “We’re in the same class! Can you believe it!? Jacky and Joanna in the same class! How cool is that?”

He sounded really mad. I was imagining how a monkey would blend into my class. The bell rang soon after that. We strolled towards the hall and searched for our class number. He offered to sit beside me. I glared at him but he just smiled. I had no reason to reject him, therefore, I agreed to it.

Firstly, the principal spoke to us on the history of the College, then several departmental heads of the school took turns to tell us more about the College. We were, by then, trying hard to keep our eyes open. When they were done, we sang the College Song with the lyrics in front of us.

“Okay, as you all know, we’re going to have an orientation programme for these first few days …” a teacher announced.

“It’s going to be fun.” Jacky whispered to me. “I’ve got a friend in J2. He told me it’s gonna be very exciting.”

When I heard what he said, I regretted not skipping school today. We were led to the field, class by class, just like in primary school. Jacky kept on telling me how excited he was.

“Junior College life is going to be one of the best!” he blurted out. “You’re going to enjoy it; it’s unlike secondary school! There’re more freedom, schoolwork is called tutorial, the teachers are called-”

“Sorry, Jacky …” I turned to him. “Would you please … shut up?”

He just laughed it off and talked to other people, not feeling offended. But, I felt something. I went to the toilet after that to wash off my tears. I had just asked Jacky to shut up. I had just scolded Jacky.

I had just cursed Jacky. Oh, damn it. What the hell had I done? I should just shut up.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The objective of the first game we played was to remember each other’s name.

Water balloons were thrown at students who forgot others’ names. After an hour, we were able to remember the name of every classmate. The next game was played with the aim of “recognising voices”.

The boys and girls were separated. A curtain partitioned them and, when a girl spoke, the boys had to guess who the girl was. After a few rounds, I was chosen to say something for the boys to guess.

“Come on, say something! A joke, or something like that!” the seniors urged me.

I did not know what to say, so I just muttered, “Ha, ha, ha.”

Almost instantly, I heard Jacky’s voice on the other side. “It’s Joanna! Joanna Fung, that thin girl!”

Ah, that bastard.

Chapter 2

When I reached home that evening, Landy was lying on the sofa, crunching a packet of potato chips I had just brought a few days ago.

“How’s your first day of school?” she asked. She had small eyes and a sharp nose to match her jaws. I had always believed that she is one of the most beautiful women in the world. In fact, for a long period of time, I had hoped I had the same countenance as her. I even desired to live her life: Carefree, with boys lining up to hold her hand.

I told her everything about Jacky and the embarrassment that he had caused me. Landy is the only person that I can pour my sorrows to. She will often drop by my house for a chat. My grandmother always opens the door for her if I am not in.

“So what, you’re going to avoid him for the next two years?” Landy said. “I bet he’s going to stick to you these two years.”

“You know I can’t talk to him.” I muttered. “I can’t harm him.”

“Makes sense.” Landy poured herself a cup of coffee and relaxed on the sofa. “Don’t you fall in love with him.”

“I’ll never!” I retorted almost instantly. “I mean … I …”

“Never is a very strong word. Remember your curse.” Landy reminded. “Remember. If you fall in love with him, you’ll harm him.”

I lay beside her and memories of how my mother died flowed back without mercy. “I know …”

We spent the next two hours trying to figure out how to stay away from Jacky. And two hours later, we slept on the sofa with no solutions in mind.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There was no way for me to avoid Jacky completely.

At classes, he would volunteer to sit beside me and I could not reject him. He would try very hard at starting a conversation, but I would always hint to him to shut up by giving him a silent glare. It often worked, but after a few minutes, he would be talking again.

During lunch break, we would eat together. He always offered to help me to buy the drinks. I wanted to tell him off, to say that I preferred to eat alone, but when he returned with my favourite drink, I gave in and just ate my meal in silence, trying hard to keep my eyes off him.

Rumours about us being an item surfaced after a few weeks. Jacky was especially concerned about disclaiming them. However, no one believed him. One day, he even threatened to beat anyone who spread the rumours and that was the first time I saw his trademark smile vanishing from his face.

“Why do you get so angry when people say something about us?” I asked him that day.

“I don’t wanna spoil your reputation. What if no one dares to woo you?” he answered matter-of-factly. “I don’t wanna destroy your future.”

“Then, why are you still sticking to me everyday?” I probed on.

It took him a while to register the question. “I …” he smiled once more. “I wanna help you. To see you smile.” He turned away, then whispered again, “To see you smile.”

“Why?”

“I want to do something meaningful while I can.”

Ironically, I frowned and brought the conversation to a halt. I told Landy about what Jacky said to me that night, and we spent over three hours pondering on what he meant. And, as usual, we managed to conclude nothing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Four months had passed since we started school.

I remembered that on a Tuesday morning, Mrs Goh, our Literature lecturer, suddenly declared, “Every year, we have a Drama competition organised by the Literature Club. Every class is encouraged to send a team forward. This competition, I believe, will help a lot in your Literature. So, I’m going to get this entire class to join.”

The students whispered protests, but Mrs Goh insisted. “Every one of you will help out in creating a play.”

Michael, one of the noisier guys, volunteered to be the scriptwriter. We spent the next fifteen minutes trying to find a suitable plot. In the end, we settled for the final scene in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. It was the scene where Romeo would drink the poison and Juliet wakes up to find a dead Romeo.

However, there would be an interesting twist to it. They would speak in “Singlish” to add a Singaporean touch. And Juliet would drink the poison instead. We reckoned that would add points to our play.

“Okay, who’s good at acting here?” Mrs Goh glanced around the class. I was toying with my fingers, not concentrating on the discussion. “Let’s find a Juliet first … hmm, whose name starts with ‘J’?”

“Me!” Jacky raised up his hand in ecstasy. “Me, me!”

That idiot.

“You wanna be Juliet?” Mrs Goh mocked and the class erupted into laughter. “We need a girl, Jacky. It’s supposed to be a sad scene, not a funny scene where a macho guy acts as Juliet.”

Jacky giggled and announced, “Okay, I volunteer to be Romeo then.” Sighs of relief washed past several male students. “But, I have a request.”

“Which is?”

I looked up at Jacky. He was staring at my eyes. Oh, shit. I did not like that look. “I want Joanna to be Juliet. J for Joanna.” The whole class cheered as if Andy Lau had just sang a song.

That guy just would not let me study in peace, would he?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We had our first rehearsal in the school hall a few days later. It was unlike the normal tragic ending in Romeo and Juliet. We had to add in “leh”s, “lah”s and “oei”s into the dialogue to make it sound more Singlish. I wondered if it would reverse the scene from tragedy to humour.

“No … cannot be … you cannot die one …” I cried without tears. Jacky lay on the floor with his eyes closed. His lips were trembling, threatening to laugh any moment. “If you die, I also die then!” He could control it no longer. He chuckled out loud, infecting the entire hall with laughter, as well.

And I always frowned when they laughed because it would prolong the rehearsal. Everytime there was a rehearsal scheduled after school, I would think of numerous excuses to skip it, but in the end, I would still attend the rehearsal.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I told Landy about my role as Juliet in the play, she laughed for fifteen minutes. “You, Juliet? Juliet!”

I had not expected my best friend to react in that way. Actually, I was hoping for some understanding from her. I kept quiet and when she sensed my displeasure, she lowered her voice and said, “You don’t like it?”

“I don’t like it.” I answered. “I don’t like talking.”

“Are you going to ‘curse’ anyone in the script?”

“No. I’ll be following the script. No worries.”

“Then, it shall be fine.” Landy replied. “You will enjoy yourself. After all, Jacky is Romeo. It will create a romantic-”

“Landy!” I cut her. “Don’t start!”

My grandmother came out of her room and stared at both of us with her eyebrows lowered. She was three-quarters blind. She hobbled towards the kitchen with the help of her walking stick and muttered, “Is that Landy?” she did not wait for Landy to answer. “It’s late. Landy, don’t you have to work tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow is my day off, granny. I’m going to have a nice, long chat with Joan-, I mean, Juliet!” Landy exclaimed and we broke into a string of laughter. I helped my grandmother to the toilet and then back to her room. When we were alone once more, Landy persisted, “That Jacky seems to be interested in you, Joanna.”

“Don’t give a damn. I will never like him, period.”

“Let’s try to analyse what he meant when he said he wanted to help you.”

With that, our girls’ talk lasted for more than three hours before we slept. And yes, you’ve guessed it; we did not come to any conclusions.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We were supposed to get a theme song for our play.

Almost everyone had his or her own views. Some preferred love songs, whereas others preferred classics. A few of us even thought that including a song in the play was a bad idea. After an intense discussion, we decided to browse through HMV at The Heeren to see if we could find a suitable song.

When we reached the place, everyone else rushed into HMV as if they were children at Toys ‘R’ Us. I sat at the edge of a fountain outside HMV. To my surprise, Jacky did not go in, as well. He sat beside me and grinned. “Not going in?”

I shook my head. The loud music inside the store always gave me headaches.

“Well, me too. Bad for the ears.” he said, slapping his ears. Then he laughed at his own joke. “Well then, I’ve dug out another secret of yours. Secret number ninety-one of Joanna Fung: She does not like music stores. It’s the same secret as mine. I don’t like music stores, as well.”

“Good for you.”

“Then, how did you get your music CDs?”

“Through a friend.” Notice the friend was singular. I have only one friend and her name is Landy.

“Okay, great, secret number ninety-two of Joanna Fung: She does have friends outside Junior College! That’s good! That’s very good! That’s damn really freaking good!”

“It’s not funny.” I mumbled and darted my eyes up. “I’m going up to the Adidas Shop to have a look.”

“Count me in.”

We went up and browsed for about ten minutes, then met up with our classmates. They had all decided on a theme song. It was “Only Love” by Trademark. Jacky and I both agreed on that, as well.

We all went back to school that evening for another round of rehearsal. The play was due in three months’ time. For the first time, we did the entire play without an N.G.

The song was played first, and then it faded out as I entered the scene to witness an unconscious Jacky on the floor. I walked slowly towards him and sat beside him, my tears dripping (the magical eye drops).

“Romeo … no … cannot be … you cannot die one …” I pressed my head to his chest and I could hear his heart beating. “You promised me so many things … so many things! You must not die … open your eyes, leh …” I tightened my grip and then yelled aloud, “No!”

The song played again for a while. When it faded away, I held up the cup of poison beside me and said, “What for I live when you die already …? If you die, I also die, then!” Then, I gulped down the ‘poison’ (it was chestnut water) and within the same second, I shook my head gently and lost my balance.

The chorus of the song played for a minute or so, loudly. Behind my closed eyes, I could feel Jacky moving a little, and then his voice came. “Juliet? Juliet! Juliet?!”

He must have found out about the poison when he groaned, “No, Juliet …”. I knew he had stabbed himself when he slumped onto my back.

Now I knew why he volunteered to be Romeo. He only needed to memorise two words and got to lie on a pretty girl’s back. Smart guy.

Chapter 3

I first met Landy in a “magical” way.

My father died when I was twelve. My mum blamed me for his death. Since then, I learnt about life the bad way: I hung out with a group of hooligans, who smoked at stairways and got their pocket money from stealing. I always felt a great sense of satisfaction whenever we successfully shoplifted a few items.

One fateful day, we plotted to steal shoes again. Stealing shoes had always been a routine for us. Our targets were usually World of Sports, Royal Sporting House or Bata. Our plan had never failed before, until that day.

Three of us entered Royal Sporting House, wearing stern expressions. We pretended to browse around the clothes section, then, as we progressed to the shoes section, we showed signs of excitement by saying “This is nice!” or “I wonder if they’ve got size six for this pair or not?”

A sales assistant marched towards us. He looked young, and we believed he was only a temp there. We smiled, knowing a temp was an easier target. “What size are you looking for, Madam?”

I always felt proud to be called “Madam” at the age of thirteen. My friend, Maggie, replied indifferently, “Do you have size six for this?” she showed the sales assistant a particular design. It costed a hundred bucks.

The sales assistant politely told us to wait and went off. Within the same minute, he came back with a pair. Maggie tried it on and it fitted her perfectly. However, she frowned and then looked up to the sales assistant with a seductive smile. “This feels too small. Do you have, like, size six and a quarter?”

We all howled in laughter. The sales assistant looked amused. He put on his smile and said, “How about size seven?”

“Will do!” Maggie chirped. “You go look for size seven. If there isn’t any I’ll take this one.” she began to trace the design of the shoe with her finger. The sales assistant hinted at her to take the shoe off, but Maggie was totally immersed in appreciating the beauty of the shoe. Finally, the sales assistant gave up and went off in search for size seven.

In one smooth motion, I took out a Royal Sporting House plastic bag from my bag. Maggie took off the shoe and threw it into the box. We glanced around the busy shop. When we confirmed it was safe, we placed the shoebox into the plastic bag and I strolled out of the shop, feeling victorious.

No one came forward to stop me. The alarm did not ring. After all, how could anyone steal a pair of shoes? They were all supposed to be stacked neatly in the storeroom. When I was out of the shop, I pictured Maggie and the sales assistant quarrelling, in my mind. Maggie would not lose; after all, customers are always right. I could only pity the poor sales assistant, who must be wondering if he did place the size six shoes back in the storeroom. He might even consider quitting his job.

While I was lost in my thoughts, someone tapped my shoulder. A pretty girl with shiny long hair smiled at me and said, “Put that pair of shoes down. They’re coming to get you.”

I studied her. She looked a little older than me and had the kind of features that any teenager would envy. Her eyes were as round as her eyeballs and the dimples on her cheeks were deeply curved to perfection. “What the fuck are you talking about?” I demanded.

“Trust me. That sales assistant is the supervisor, not a temp. He has met all sorts of people. He’s coming for you. Drop it, or you’ll regret it forever!”

I stared at her. She seemed to know everything. After an internal debate, I decided to trust her and threw the shoes into a rubbish bin. A few minutes later, to my surprise, the sales assistant, together with two security officers, came up and apprehended me. When they found nothing on me, they gave up and I let out a long sigh of relief. It was my closest encounter with a criminal record.

After that dreadful incident, the girl showed up at my house. I had no idea how she obtained my address. We chatted a little. I later knew her to be Landy. As time went by, we became good friends. She was older than me by four years and was working full-time as a clerk. My mum died when I was fourteen and I cut off links with all my friends, save Landy.

Somehow or other, Landy stayed with me through thick and thin. Knowing that I disliked going out, she came to my house to chat with me instead. If there was only one blessing in my life, it was definitely having a friend like Landy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was so ironically hilarious when we realized our play lasted only five minutes if we suffered no NG. Our play was supposed to be “ten to fifteen” minutes long.

“Look, I think we’ll have to rewrite the script.” our so-called director, Delvin, suggested. He was one of our classmates with the most outstanding leadership qualities. “I’m open to all ideas.”

We ransacked our minds and a few ideas were proposed, but none of them seemed to work. Amid the mood of depression which had descended over the room, Jacky stood up and told us, “Trust Joanna and me. We’ll be able to prolong it with our acting. Won’t we, Joanna?”

I sank deeper into my chair and pondered. What did he mean by that? He was smiling at me again. I felt my hair standing up. What was he thinking now? I grit my teeth, hoping that he would not suggest some outrageous proposal that would embarrass both of us.

“It’ll be a lot more realistic if we act out the play without directly following the script. For example, if the audience laughs, we’ll extend the humorous scene. If the audience is crying, we’ll extend the sad scene. Of course, that would mean we’d have to add our own lines to the play. You understand?”

After some brainstorming, they all agreed to that idea. I wanted so much to debate, to confess my disagreement, but upon seeing their exhausted faces, I consented. After we were dismissed, we all headed in different directions except Jacky and I. We stayed together as I wanted to confront him about the idea.

“Why propose that stupid idea?” I probed.

“For fun, Joanna! For fun! And for authenticity! Don’t you think the whole play will look a lot more realistic if we don’t follow a script? I mean-”

“You won’t understand! I need to follow a script! I can’t … I can’t talk well. I … I’m afraid I will say the wrong thing and …” I choked on my words and halted.

“Tell me what’s stopping you from opening your heart, Joanna. Please.”

I was shaking softly. His warm hands embraced my shoulders and he lowered his voice. “Please tell me more about yourself. Why you’re keeping everything to yourself? Why you’re living in your own world? Please.”

“Get away!” I pushed him off, my face burning red. After I had taken a few steps back, my cell phone rang. It was Landy. I rejected the call and turned back at Jacky. “You won’t be able to help me! No one can! No one!”

“Let me help you, please! Believe me! You won’t fail if you keep trying!”

“No! You can’t, you’ll never! I’m going to withdraw from that fucking play, and you and your fucking good friends can be Juliet!”

“Joanna-”

“I killed my father, my mother and many other people! I’m a fucking murderer, a fucking killer, a fucking sinner!”

I turned and dashed out of the hall. The moment I was outside the school, I raised my hand and a taxi stopped. I let out a soft moan of despair before I swung open the door and went off in search of respite.

Chapter 4

The taxi ride to West Coast Park took me fifteen minutes. By then, night had fallen and I had already stopped shedding tears. There were not many people around. Landy came an hour later and we climbed up the tall pyramid-shaped playground, lying on the ropes.

“You really want to tell him everything, don’t you?” Landy said. “Coz you feel like you’ve got a … bond with him.”

“He’ll get killed by me.” I whispered. “I don’t want danger to befall him.”

“But you really want to tell him about your problems. You really wanna tell him about your curse. I support you.”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, why not we play a game? If he’s here within fifteen minutes, you’ll tell him about your problems, okay? If not, we’ll sleep here for the night. Are you game for it?”

I looked up at the starless night. He would not be able to find me, I thought. “Deal.”

“Well then, I’m going down.” Landy reached down, grabbed the rope below and slowly made her way down.

“Huh?”

“Look down, my friend.” By then, Landy had reached the ground. She waved at me and I understood what she meant at the moment I looked down. Jacky, still in his uniform, walked past her. When he saw me, he smiled broadly and climbed up the ropes, flaunting his lean biceps. Within a few seconds, he was sitting beside me.

“How did you know I was here?” I said. “Landy called you?”

“Who’s Landy?” Jacky shrugged and shook his head.

“The girl who just walked past you.”

“Did anyone walk past me just now?” he furrowed his brows. “I didn’t notice. I just saw you.”

“Then, how did you know I’d be here?”

“I installed a tracer on your handphone. You know, like those tracers that secret agents use? I bought it on the black market. Cost me a bomb.”

I bit my lip and ignored his pointless remark.

“Joanna, can I tell you something?”

I nodded, stunned at his seriousness. He never usually bothers to request permission when he asked questions. What he had just said freaked me out. My eyes were fixed to the ground, my hand toying with the ropes that supported our weight.

“I know it’s one of the hardest things to do in the world … I know it’s like asking you to stuff your fist into your mouth or it’s like asking you to eat caterpillars, but …” he paused. I shivered. Gosh, he looked really serious when he was not smiling. “Will you … will you, believe me?”

“Believe you?” I twisted my head, almost relieved. “What do you mean?” I was not expecting him to say something so simple.

“Lend me an hour of your time. In this hour, I really hope you can believe in everything I say. Will you?”
I clenched my hand into a fist, thinking hard. I then recalled the deal I had with Landy. “Okay, I believe. Now, what do you want to say?”

“Tell me about your problems. Joanna, you’ll not fail if you keep trying.”

“No! No one can help-”

“Joanna!” And he did it: He held my hand and cried, “Believe me!”

I shook my head a few times, trying hard to believe him. I will not fail if I keep trying? I had always been trying … but I always failed. I’d given up hope on everything, choosing instead to live in my own world.
A minute passed silently. I gazed fixedly at the starless sky. Time seemed to be crawling by callously. I grabbed a rope, preparing to leap down when Landy’s words came to mind again. With that thought, I looked up at Jacky. His eyes darted towards mine. It was then that I realized he was still holding on to my left hand.

“Believe me.” he repeated, as he released my hand. I felt a surge of loss. “What is the reason that causes you to be so reserved? How did your parents … pass away?”

Tears started to well up in my eyes. I wanted so much to lay my head on his shoulder, but I feared he might feel uncomfortable. I shook my head a few times to hold back my tears. It was not an easy task. “I killed them.”

“Tell me more. Let me help.”

“You can’t help!” I yelled, my voice echoing in the quiet night.

“Believe in me!”

“You wouldn’t-”

“You have to be-”

“It’s too complica-”

“Believe me!”

“No one can help-”

“I can help you. I really can. Let me help, please. Believe in me.”

Somehow, my heart melted and I gave in.

“I was born into a perfect family. I had a father who drove a taxi and a mother who cooked for others.” I started, not daring to face him.

“That’s very good. Go on.”

“We lived simply, yet happily. My dad worked seven days a week. Every night, I would wait for my father to buy supper for us. The three of us would eat while watching television. That late night meal was the only time for us to be together. I would tell them about the new bully at school. They would teach me how to fight back.”

“You’ve got good parents.” Jacky cut in, obviously just to prove that he was still listening.

“Life was perfect. Just so perfect. Until one day … one day…” Whenever the memories flowed back, I would choke on my tears. Jacky patted me on my back, encouraging me to keep my composure. I knew if I was to tell him about myself, I would have to overcome those memories. “One day … that day …” I took a long, deep breath. “It all happened.”

“The day started like any other day. My father ate his breakfast in a rush and then went to work. As usual, I yelled ‘Drive carefully, Dad’ to him before he stepped out of the house. I was in school, listening to the teacher telling us everything about how apples drop to the ground when I saw my mother outside the classroom.

“I remembered that day, we were supposed to have a spelling test yet I had forgotten to bring the exercise book. I thought my mother was just there to pass me my book. Little did I expect it to be something more than just a book.

“She grabbed my hand and we left the school. No words were exchanged. We went into a taxi, and when she cried, I sensed something was wrong. Then, she hugged me, and I knew it was bad news.”
I paused. I needed a break from the bad memories flooding back. Jacky flashed his trademark smile and patted my shoulder. We stayed that way for a few more minutes.

“My father had died in a car accident. In his desperate attempt to fetch a passenger, he neglected his own safety. A lorry crashed into his taxi. He died instantly. I was only twelve then. I cried everyday, waiting for my supper to come. But every night, only memories of my Dad came back. I could no longer tell him about the new bully that came to my school.

“My mother, strangely, indirectly blamed me for his death. She claimed that had I not told my father to drive carefully, he might not have died. It made no sense at all. With my father’s death, my mother quitted her job and turned into a drunkard. She would return every night stinking of alcohol. I had no idea where she got the money.

“I was totally depressed with my broken family. I met a group of friends, when I was in Secondary One, at a stairway. They introduced to me ways to relax: smoking, drinking. I was lured in by the luxury of not having to care. I smoked my days away.”

“I cannot imagine you were once a smoker.” Jacky said.

“I was. Home was just a place for me to seek quarrels. I tried my best to stay away from my house. My mother would always call me names like ‘jinx’ or ‘bitch’, even in her sober state. Finally, one day, I had enough. I put all my clothes into a bag and shouted to her, ‘I hope you’ll die in a car accident, just like daddy. And I hope you’ll get crushed by a big lorry!’ After that, I stayed in my friend’s house for two days.

“And, two days later …” I was shuddering now, my tears rolling out like there was no tomorrow. I tried to brush them away, but they kept coming. I felt like jumping down to the ground now, ending the ordeal once and for all. Jacky’s hand was still clutching mine. Without warning, he embraced me, his body warming me up. He was shuddering along with me. I dropped my head onto his shoulder and whispered, “Two days later, my mother was crushed by a big lorry. She died on the spot.”

Chapter 5

There was a long period of silence. I wiped my tears off, but they kept on coming. Jacky stroked me gently on my back, as if it would help to stop my sobbing. In that moment, I really wished I would wake up in the comfort of my bed and realize that everything had just been a dream.

I guessed I had regretted telling Jacky everything. No one knew about all this except Landy. I had tried so hard to bury my past, but Jacky’s persistence had caused me to dig it out. I pushed Jacky off, knowing I could not lay my head on his shoulder forever. To my surprise, he was wearing a smile, not at all surprised by my story.

“And you believe you caused the death of your mother? Because of the ‘curse’ that you have?” he said.
I nodded.

“Silly, Joanna. There’s a word known as ‘coincidence’. It just happened to be a coincidence.”

This time round, I shook my head. “A few days after my mother’s death, I had a quarrel with one of my friends. In the midst of the quarrel, I …” I paused again. It was hard to dig out a past that had been buried away for so long. “I said, ‘You’re so stubborn, your boyfriend is gonna leave you soon!’ And, a few days later, her boyfriend broke up with her.”

“Well, two coincidences.”

“I once scolded a taxi driver for speeding. I said he would soon get into an accident if he continued to speed. He ignored my warnings and the next day, the newspaper reported that a taxi had smashed into a tree. Luckily, the taxi driver suffered no serious injury. I’ve always hoped they were just coincidences, Jacky. It’s not. It’s a curse. I’m cursed. Every bad thing I say will come true.”

“That’s the reason why you’re so quiet? So … introverted?”

I nodded. “More or less. Trust me, they’re not coincidences. There’re more examples of my curse. I dare not talk, for fear that I may ‘accidentally’ curse others. It’s not my fault.”

Jacky bit his lip. A few seconds later, he mouthed, “I remembered you once said you’ve got friends outside JC. Is it true?”

“Just one friend. Name’s Landy. Strangely …” I stopped, wondering if I should tell Jacky about Landy, or not. I thought, since I had already told him so much; why not tell him about Landy, as well? “She isn’t affected by my curses. I had accidentally cursed her a few times, but she seems to be immuned to them. Nothing happened to her after my curses. Hence, she has always been my best friend.”

I told him more about Landy, on how we first met and how she visited me frequently just for a chat. “My grandmother will open the door for her when I’m not in. However, my grandmother always forgets she does that. She has poor memory and poor eyesight.”

“Landy must have been a good friend to come by for a chat.”

“Yeah.” I said, a bit annoyed by that pointless remark.

“So, she knew about your ‘curse’, as well? And encouraged you to avoid talking to others?”

“That’s right.” I replied. “She had seen how people suffered under my curse. That’s the reason why she prefers me to keep quiet.”

“Okay …” Jacky muttered then closed his eyes, obviously trying to think of something to say.

I stared at his closed eyes. Why had I told him so much? Maybe, it was to tell him the reason why I did not like the idea of the free-style play. Maybe, it was also to tell him that my quietness was not my fault. Maybe, to let him paint a better image of me in his mind.

“Remember your promise just now?” he suddenly said, interrupting my thoughts.

“Yeah.”

“Okay, believe in me now. Say this after me, ‘I don’t have a curse.’”

“But I-”

“Remember your promise!” he exclaimed, cutting my sentence. “Now, repeat after me … ‘I don’t have a curse’.”

I guessed I just had to play along to humour him. “I don’t have a curse. Silly.”

“No! Just say ‘I don’t have a curse’. No ‘silly’ behind. Come on, try again.”

I shrugged. Was he childish or was I too matured? “I don’t have a curse.”

“Good. Now say, ‘I am just having a minor mental illness that can be cured after seeing a psychiatrist’.”

“No!” this time, I yelled. “No, I, you … you-” I stopped myself at that very moment. I was going to say “you idiot”, but that would equal to cursing him. I just glared at him, wanting so much to scold him. “I’m not sick.” I sneered.

“Believe in me. Remember your promise? Believe in me! Say after me!”

“I’m not sick.”

“Believe in me. Believe me! You’ll not fail if you believe!”

“I’m not sick. I’m cursed.”

“Believe me!”

Once again, I fell into silence. Knowing that I would not win this argument, I said, “I don’t have a curse. I am just having a minor mental illness that can be cured after seeing a psychiatrist.”

Jacky nodded. “Good. I’ll call the shrink tomorrow, and we’ll book an appointment, okay? I’ll accompany you to the shrink.”

“What?!” I yelled instantly. “No way!”

“Look, Joanna, there’re still five more minutes to the hour. You should still believe me, alright? You need a doctor.”

“No, I don’t!”

“Then, prove it to me! If the doctor can’t cure you, then I’ll give up!”

I had never seen a shrink before. In my impression, a shrink looks like the beautiful Kelly Chen, the actress who acted as one in the movie “Infernal Affairs”. She would just listen and the patient will do the talking. The patient will feel better after taking some medication and he or she will be cured. Silly, isn’t it? How can anyone’s accumulated mental illness get better after saying everything and popping a few pills? I could not believe Jacky had just suggested I do that.

“No.” I said.

“I’ll go with you. Every appointment. Please.”

He would go with me? I pondered on that. For the longest period of time, I had always been alone. Now, this silly weirdo had just proposed to accompany me for those silly appointments. I frowned, lowering my eyebrows to a V shape. Was he trying to break my routine?

“Are you trying to break my routine? Change my life?” I said my thoughts aloud.

“Yes. I wanna break your routine. I wanna change your life.”

This was getting sillier. I had been lonely for more than three years. What could he possibly do? I guessed the best he could do was to mess up my life. Like recommending me to see a shrink. Silly, silly Jacky. Really silly. Asking me to believe in him, to believe that he would be able to change my life …
“… for the better.” he added suddenly.

For the better? I stared up at the stars. Maybe, I was trying to avoid him. But, all of a sudden, I said, “When is the first appointment?”

It was my heart speaking.

He told me he had to check everything first. Upon our agreement, we climbed down the playground and made our way to the bus-stop. After waiting for a few minutes, we realized that it was close to one in the morning.

“Sorry, I don’t have enough cash with me.” he said.

“Me, too.”

His face brightened up. “Then I’ll walk you home, and I’ll walk home after that!”

I wanted so much to smile. To laugh at his silly antics. However, I just nodded. We were at West Coast and my house is at Jurong Extension. It would take more than an hour’s walk.

We started the long walk talking about many things. This was the first time I had spoken so much to another person other than Landy since my parents’ deaths. Jacky said that he was the only child in his family. His father died of cancer when he was just seven; hence, he had a very close relationship with his mother.

He said he learnt a lot of things when his father was dying. He told me how precious life could be, and said that we all came into this world for a purpose. “Happiness and sadness are not caused by your surroundings. They’re caused by your thinking.” he verbalised.

When I asked him about his plans for the future, he gave me an answer that really surprised me. “My plans for the future? Make you smile. Do something meaningful.”

We reached my house about an hour later. He was totally exhausted. Beads of sweat blanketed his forehead, but he was still smiling despite the weariness. “I’ll call you.” he said. “I’ll call you and tell you when we’ll meet up for the appointment. I’ll … see you around, eh?”

“Yeah.” I said. I realized he still had a long way to go from my house to his house at Bukit Batok. “You want me to get some cash for you to take a cab?”

I had expected him to say yes. He was massaging his neck and looked as if he wanted to vomit. However, he maintained his pride and muttered, “No, I’ll walk home. It’s good exercise.”

“Well, good for you. See you.”

After he left, I took a bath. Landy was in my room, sleeping soundly on my bed. After my bath, the doorbell rang. It was two in the morning. Who could it be? I looked through the hole in the door. It was Jacky.

“Hey …” he said, resting his back on the wall. His face was pale white, as if he had just seen a ghost. His lips seemed to be wet and he smelled of puke. “Can you lend me twenty bucks? I’ll return it to you tomorrow.”

I passed him the money. “Return me something else. Not the twenty bucks. Something else that is worth twenty bucks.” What was I saying? Sometimes, I felt that I said stupid things to him.

“Okay.” he saluted me and said, “I’ll return you something else. Something that twenty bucks can’t buy.”

With that, he ambled off. I stared at the last of his shadow before I closed my door, and I did something I had never expected myself to do.

I smiled to myself.

Chapter 6

I was unable to sleep that night. At first, I thought that maybe I was too physically exhausted and my mind was unable to drift into sleep mode. So, I began to count sheep, drank warm milk and studied my Economics text. It was futile. After playing a loud slow song that woke my grandmother up, I decided not to sleep. After all, I had to wake up early the next day for school.

It was, by then, four in the morning. Several windows outside my apartment were lightening up, getting ready for the day. I looked at my handphone to check for new messages. There weren’t any. I frowned and sent “Good night, good morning, Mr. Wu” as a SMS to Jacky and went to bath.

Why the heck had I done that? For fun? No; in my dictionary, the word ‘fun’ had ceased to exist.

I spent the next two hours surfing the Internet, checking my handphone, watching television, checking my handphone again, playing games and checking my handphone once more. At last, at six, I received a message. It was from Jacky.

Morning, Joanna! I m so happy. This is the 1st time u msg me. Thx!

I deleted the message and, then, spent the next ten minutes trying to restore deleted messages. There was no such function. Silly me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacky was “acting” normal to me in school.

It was like yesterday’s conversation had never occurred. He put on his trademark smile to class as usual and joked his time off. When lunch break came, he bought me my drink and I could avoid the strangeness no longer. I asked, “Why are you acting so strangely today?”

“Strangely?” he said. “I’m not! I’m not even acting.”

“You are.” I retorted, wondering if I had just accidentally “cursed” him. After a considerable thought, I figured I had not, so I continued, “You used to be so …” I stopped. It was not him. It was me.

I had suddenly wanted him to pay more attention to me. To talk to me more. To joke with me more. He was just being himself today. What was wrong with me?

“I’m sorry.” I said, as I looked at my plate of rice, ashamed to face him. “So, when is the… appointment?”

“I’m calling them later.”

“You’ll … come with me, correct? As you promised?”

Although I was not looking at him, I knew he must have been showing me that toothy grin again. “I promise. I’ll come with you for every session. Every single session. Every …”

“Good. Good.” I said. “Damn good.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Hey, Joanna.”

I woke up from my doze. The lecturer’s droning voice was amplified to the entire hall. I took a few seconds to register my situation and looked up. It was Michael, one of my classmates who wrote the script for the play. He was sitting in front of me, his head turned. Jacky was snoring beside me, his cheek kissing the table.

“Hey, Joanna.” he repeated, as if I was still napping. “You there?”

I nodded as an answer to his question.

“Are you okay?” he whispered.

I nodded again. “Why?”

“Well, it’s because …”

Jacky sprang up from his sleep and grabbed Michael in the neck, standing up. “Don’t harm her!” he shouted.

His voice attracted the attention of the entire hall. All the students turned to look at him. The lecturer stopped talking and stared at Jacky with his eyes wide open, obviously surprised at Jacky’s commotion. All I did was to look Jacky in the eyes. Michael did not struggle. He was staring at Jacky, still stunned by his onslaught.

A few seconds dragged on. Jacky let go and sat down while Michael scratched his head. They did not exchange a single word. A few whispers from the students killed the silence.

“As you all can see, the point when demand is …” strangely, the lecturer continued the lecture as if nothing had happened.

“Hey, Mike.” Jacky whispered. Michael wheeled and faced Jacky. He did not seem afraid. “I’m sorry. I had a silly dream. You know, Mr. Tan’s voice can turn a sweet dream into a nightmare.”

“I know. I understand. That’s why I dare not sleep when Mr. Tan is lecturing. By the way, what dream did you just have? Who’s the ‘her’?” Michael asked.

“Yeah, who’s the ‘her’?” I asked, as well. Must be out of curiosity.

“I … forgot. You know, you always forget your dreams.”

Michael laughed. “Yeah. Anyway, Joanna, I was about to ask you … are you okay?”

“What’s wrong?” Jacky and I replied together.

“Well, it’s just that … you’ve smiled five times today. And, I’ve seen you smile less than ten times despite knowing you for more than six months. It’s a bit … unusual?”

“Well, Michael …” Jacky licked his lips in delight. “She’s going to smile more in the future. I promise you that.”

And, all of a sudden, I smiled.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“It’s called the Child’s Guidance Clinic, commonly known as CGC. It provides neuroscience treatment, psychological and psychiatric services to people aged eighteen and below. It’s under the Institute Of Mental Health. The price is cheaper as the Government will subsidise a large portion of the cost. I’ve booked an appointment for you.”

Jacky passed me a sheet of paper. There was a map, a date and a time. “The Clinic is in Singapore General Hospital. Pretty close to our school, so we’ll have no problem getting there after school. And this …” he passed me another sheet of paper. It was an official appointment letter issued by the Clinic. “We’ll need that to enter the Clinic.”

“Isn’t that place meant to be for children?”

“No, that’s the misconception that most people have. The CGC also accepts teenage patients, as long as you have the will to be cured. The age requirement is eighteen and below. And you qualify. Okay?”

I read the official appointment letter. The first appointment was for a Tuesday morning on which we had school.

“No worries about that. I’ve applied for an official leave from the school.”

“Official leave?”

“Well, on that day, we both will turn ill. And we’ll ‘buy’ MCs from doctors. Isn’t that official enough?”

I laughed.

“And when the doctor asks you to choose the next appointment date, give him a date where you and I can go together without skipping school. Okay?”

I nodded.

“Great.” As he was able to leave, I stopped him. “Huh?”

“Look, Jacky …” my eyes met his and I whispered, “Thank you. For everything.”

“My gosh, you’re close to tears.” He took a step closer to me and tapped my head. “Come on, it’s nothing much, okay? Cool it.”

“I …”

“Hey, Joanna.” he turned serious. “You must understand, I’m doing this because I wanna help you, okay? I want you to believe in yourself and others. Just that. We cannot be a couple. You cannot be my girlfriend. I have my reasons. So, don’t you ever fall in love with me, okay?”

Fuck. Damn. Ass. Bastard. Idiot. Silly, damn, fucking bastard ass idiot!

“I’ll never fall in love with you!” I yelled back at the top of my voice. “I’ll never love you! And you!” I pointed at him in the chest, and then punched him in the chest repeatedly. “Don’t you fall in love with me! Don’t you turn back and tell me ‘I love you!’! You hear me, Jacky Wu Zhong Xian? You hear me?! Me, Joanna Fung Wai Gwan, will never, ever fall in love with Jacky Wu Zhong Xian!”

“Cool down-” he whispered.

“And you, Jacky Wu Zhong Xian, you’d better don’t fall in love with me, ‘coz I’ll never love you!” I gave him a final punch before I stepped back. My heart was beating a lot faster and my body was jerking up and down uncontrollably. “You cannot be my boyfriend! I have my reasons! Okay! Don’t fall in love with me!”

I turned and ran off. A few tears fell. And while I ran, I tore up the two pieces of paper that Jacky had passed to me.

Chapter 7

Of course he could not fall in love with me. I had this curse that could harm him. This was all for his own good. But, why did he still do all these things when he did not like me? I wondered if he did that to every girl he knew. Then, tell them that he did not like them. He must be that sort of person. A bastard who likes to see girls cry in front of him.

I hated him to the core.

I went home with my eyes still red. Landy was in, reading a magazine. When she saw me, she frowned, knowing something had happened. I told her everything within fifteen minutes.

“He sucks.” she commented, sharing my exasperation. “He just sucks. Painfully sucks.” I nodded, agreeing with her every word. “But he’s just so … nice, isn’t he? So romantic … so … nice.”

“Idiot. I hate him. I hate him!”

“You love him, Joanna. It’s the other way round.”

Her sentence sent me into a whirlpool of thought. I cried so hard when he said he could not fall in love with me. Was it because of the fact that I liked him? I had not cried that much since my mother’s death.
My handphone beeped. There was an incoming message. Landy passed me the phone and said, “It has to be Jacky.”

I opened the message and truly, it was him.

I’m sorrie if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t u?

I read the message aloud to Landy. She beamed and exclaimed, “Say yes!”

I did not heed her advice. I typed a No and replied to him. “No, I’m not keen anymore.” I told Landy. “I don’t wanna go out with an idiot.”

“You’re going for the appointment, not going out with Jacky, my gosh!”

I was still trying to control my tears. I should not cry in front of my best friend. I had always been the strong independent girl. I would not cry for a guy again!

A new message came in.

Let me fetch you on that day, okie?

I replied a No again. I had enough of this guy. Trying to help me? Or, maybe, he was just doing all this so that he could skip school! That bastard!

“Come on, relax and let’s talk this out. It’s very obvious, Joanna, that you’ve fallen in love with Jacky. Why not just admit that, and we’ll have an easier time to decide on whether to go or not?” Landy was saying. But, I was not paying attention. I was looking at my phone, wondering if Jacky would reply or not.

Slowly, I digested Landy’s words. It was really clear. It was just too clear. Maybe, I just dared not say it out. Finally, after fifteen minutes of battle with my tears, I lost. A drop rolled out. I wiped it off instantly. Landy, somehow, had seen it.

“Cry it out, Joanna. Cry it out.”

A new message.

Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes…

I replied a No.

“I know you’re going for the therapy because of him.”

“I’m not!” I retorted.

“Then …” Landy whispered so soft that I had to read from her lips. “Why are you not going anymore, after he said all that?” And she made sense.

A new message came in. Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. I replied a No again and looked at Landy. I was lost for words. She had hit my vital point. Jacky then replied, Ease your illusions! let me help…

I shrugged. I did not know what to tell Landy, and I did not reply to Jacky. I was caught at a crossroad, not knowing where to go. Landy was quiet, eyeing me, as if waiting for me to say something.

You’ve gotta go for it!

Only you… yourself can help yourself…

Understanding yourself is most important…

I looked at the messages. He had sent me three messages in a short span of five minutes. Landy was frowning, obviously curious about the messages that Jacky had sent me.

I crossed my legs, then my arms. Then, I threw my handphone onto the sofa and closed my eyes. My mind had dealt with too many emotional battles within a day: I guessed it needed a long rest.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Avoiding Jacky was one of the toughest things to do at school.

He was everywhere. I tried not looking at him, but realized I couldn’t. I wanted to see his expression: Was he feeling angry, guilty or happy? Or, maybe, he was just indifferent?

In fact, there was no change. His trademark smile still lingered on his face. He still greeted every lecturer as if they were his best pals. He even tried to joke with me, but I did not laugh and he did not continue the conversation.

Finally, lunch break came and this was the most awkward moment for me, as we always had our lunch side by side. I bought my own food and sat alone, wondering if he would still join me. Instead one of my classmates sat beside me and I glared at her. She stared at me, then at the seat, and finally walked off.

Jacky was at the drinks stall. Would he buy me my drink? I scanned my food, trying to stop myself from looking at him. Then, a familiar deep voice hailed me. “Here’s your drink. Diet Coke with salt.”

I looked up. There he was, Jacky Wu, sitting beside me. I just stared at him, dumbfounded, startled but not surprised. He smiled, and then ate his food. I did the same thing. A few awkward minutes passed.

“I’ll pick you up next Tuesday morning. I’ve applied for an official break from the school.”

“Okay.”

Okay? What was I thinking? Landy, help me. Landy, I’m mad. Landy …

“Good. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the morning sun from an angle other than from the school on a weekday. I’m so excited.”

I nodded. I must be crazy. I felt so much like flipping the table over and giving him a tight slap on his face. Yet, I just sat there, agreeing and nodding to everything he said. My body was not listening to my mind. I must be mad. I must be.

“Great.” he said. “You received my messages yesterday?”

I nodded again. I must have forgotten how to speak English.

“All of them? There’s a hidden message. Can you decode it?”

I shrugged. What was he saying?

“Have you deleted the messages?”

I nodded. If I said otherwise, he might get the idea that I had stored every message that he sent me.

“Oh, okay.” he said, and then continued with his food. “Read some of Dan Brown’s books. The Da Vinci Code, Deception Point and Angels & Demons. Most importantly, read Digital Fortress. It’s a novel about breaking codes.” He smiled, and then suddenly laughed out loud for no reason. “However, reading them won’t help you solve the code.”

Was that a joke? If so, it was just so not funny.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Hidden message?” Landy was saying, looking at the messages. “Has he read too many ‘The Da Vinci Code’”?

“Beats me.” I had written down all the messages on a piece of paper. They all sounded so normal. “Maybe, he’s just trying to be funny. He’s always funny. But, his jokes are not funny.”

“Yeah, maybe that’s why you like him.”

I ignored her comments and stared at all the messages again.

I’m sorrie if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t u? Let me fetch you on that day, okie? Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes…Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. Ease your illusions! let me help…You’ve gotta go for it! Only you… yourself can help yourself… Understanding yourself is most important…

Hidden message? Crap. But still, I spent an hour reading and re-reading the messages. It did not make the slightest sense. If he had wanted to start a conversation, he should have thought of a better idea than saying there was a hidden message in his SMSes. So clichéd.

Chapter 8

I inspected the waiting area. The lighting was bright. There were many sofas along with some tables, all neatly placed, and a few stacks of magazines were resting on the tables. I stole a quick look at them. Most of them were parenting magazines.

Jacky came forward with two cups of plain water. A few parents were with their young children (most of them below five years old). “It’s so empty here.” I whispered, taking a sip of the water. If I had spoken freely, my voice would have carried throughout the entire waiting area.

“No worries.” Jacky patted my shoulder. The nurses at the counter were chatting with each other. A few doctors in their white coats walked in and out of their rooms, holding folders in their hand. I wondered which one of them I would be allocated to. The nurse had said “Dr. Ong”.

“Joanna Fung?” I glanced up. Out of nowhere, a tall young man was standing in front of me. He was wearing his doctor’s coat and looked like a decent chap, with his thick glasses and neat hairstyle. I stood up instantly and offered my hand for a handshake. “Come with me, will you?” he smiled. I turned and looked at Jacky. He was winking at me, and then relaxed on the sofa.

I was led into Room 15, with the tag “Dr. Ong Kim Leng” on the door. The room had a sofa, a table strewn with toys, a big whiteboard and a desk with a computer. Dr. Ong sat on a chair and motioned for me to sit down. I looked around and realized that I should sit on the sofa. Never before had I sat on a sofa when I went to see a doctor.

“Alright, Joanna, seventeen years old. Junior College student. National Junior College. Not bad.” He rolled his chair in front of me and pulled out a file with a pen. “Now, it’s only you and me. Just you, Joanna Fung, and me, Dr. Ong.”

I nodded.

“So, whatever we say here, no one else is going to know. Alright? So we have a pact.”

I nodded again, this time nervous.

“I just want to let you know that coming here is the right choice. You know something is wrong, and you’re admitting it. Finally.”

I did not wish to nod, but still, I did. He was very naggy.

“Alright then, let’s not waste each other’s time. So, come on, tell me what’s bothering you.”

Finally, I got to talk. I told him everything that I had told Jacky about: The “curse”. Dr. Ong was amazingly attentive: he kept on listening and, while listening, he would write something on the file. Sometimes, he would draw something and asked me irrelevant questions.

“Tell me frankly, do you have a boyfriend?”

“No.”

“Are you happy when chatting with your best friend, Landy?”

“Yes.”

“How do you feel if I tell you that you’re a very creative thinker?”

“I don’t know.”

Finally, after an hour of confessing my problems to him, he closed his file. “Do you have any questions for me?” he asked me. I shook my head. “Alright then. What you’re suffering from is a mental illness called ‘Obsessive Compulsive Disorder’, or OCD for short.”

I shrugged. I had never heard of this before.

“Before I go on to tell you what OCD is, I’ll give you a simple example. Have you seen people in the coffee shop washing their hands almost every few minutes, rubbing their hands with soap till they tear their skin?”

I nodded. I had known someone like that in my secondary school days. She just kept on going to the toilet to wash her hands. I always thought that she was just paying more attention to hygiene than us.

“You see, they’re also suffering from OCD. They feel that their hands are always dirty, so they have the urge to wash them again and again. They’re obsessed with the thought of dirty hands. And they wash their hands to make them feel better. That’s their compulsion.”

“And?”

“You’re also suffering from OCD. Your case is a bit different. You’re obsessed with the thought that you’re ‘cursed’; hence, you have the compulsion of not talking to others. It will make you feel better.”

Crap, I thought.

“In mental terms, we’re in a cycle of thought, behaviour and feeling. You have the thought of fear when talking to others, fearing that you might curse them. So, your behaviour will be to avoid talking to them.”
I toyed with my fingers. I was not paying attention. He stood up and began to draw the cycle for me to see.

“So, we can’t change your thoughts. And, your feelings, your fears, are created by your thoughts. So, we can only help to change your behaviour. Through a change in your behaviour, your thoughts and feelings will change, as well. We’ll go through a therapy called Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapy to change your behaviour. In other words, to be happy, you have to change the world or change your thinking. We’re here to change your thinking.”

“Okay, so, when can we start?”

Dr. Ong stared at me, his eyes and mouth wide open. I must have been the first patient to accept his diagnosis and treatment so straightforwardly.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Obsession Disordering Of … computing.” I explained to Jacky. “Eh, wait. OCD. Obsession Computer Disordering? I forgot the name of it. The short form is OCD.”

“Sounds like the Police Force in Robocop, OCP. And what is it all about?”

“I am obsessed with the ‘curse’. And I’m controlled by it. So, they’re trying to change my thinking-eh, no. Not thinking. They’re trying to change my behaviour. So that my thinking will change. And my feelings will change.”

“The Thought-Feeling-Behaviour cycle. I’ve heard of it before.”

“Whatever.” I blurted. “And I’m supposed to meet this Mr. Kam later on. He’ll do a therapy on me. Change my behavior. Change my thoughts. Change my feelings.”

I was prescribed with medications that cost me well over ten bucks. It was “Fluoxetine”, some sort of SSRI (as mentioned by Dr Ong), or simply, an anti-depressant.

We waited for another half an hour before Mr. Kam came forward to meet me. He was in his forties, with a lean build. We greeted each other and he led me to another room, leaving Jacky alone again.

This time, the room was smaller. There were two small chairs, a small table and a desk. The walls were lined with drawings by children less than ten years old. I sat on one of the chairs. “I’ve read your file. I know everything about your condition, but I would like to hear the whole story again, from yourself.”

And once again, I revealed my ‘curse’. Miraculously, I had now told three people about my ‘curse’ within two weeks.

“Alright. OCD.” Mr. Kam did not seem to be as friendly as Dr. Ong. “This therapy involves doing something that is against your will. You think you can curse someone. So, come on. Curse me.”

I was taken aback. He was insane. He must be. I had never expected that the fourth person I had confided my secret to would ask me to curse him.

“Go on, curse me.”

“I really have the curse” I said. “Don’t play these games.”

He pointed at his forehead. “It’s all in the mind, Joanna. Your thoughts. Your thoughts are telling you it’s wrong. But, I want to prove your mind wrong, instead. Curse me. When your behaviour changes, so do your thoughts and, eventually, your feelings. And then, you’ll be cured. Come on.”

I was thinking of Jacky. I wondered how he would react. This Mr. Kam was asking for trouble. He looked harmless though.

“No.” I said.

“Do you want to be cured?”

“I’m not sick. I’m cursed.”

“Trust me. Just this once. Just say that sentence. Prove me wrong.”

“I don’t want to ruin you!”

“You won’t. Curse me leniently then. We’ll do it slowly.”

“No, please …”

“Oh, come on! Don’t make me bribe you with candies.”

“Please don’t force me …”

“Come on!”

“Stop it …”

“Curse me!”

I could no longer take it. I stared at him, thought for a while then said softly, “You’ll break your arm within this week.”

Mr. Kam smiled. He must be sick in the mind. He was the sick one, not me. That sicko! Trouble seeker. “Good, Joanna. How are you feeling now?”

I kept quiet for a while. “Regretful. I just want to say sorry in advance to you. I hope you’ve bought insurance.”

“Don’t worry, I’m insured. From a scale of one to hundred, one being least depressed, hundred being most depressed, how depressed are you feeling now?”

“Hundred.” I said. He showed me a piece of paper with a table drawn on it and wrote something.
We chatted about irrelevant things for the next ten minutes. He told me about the various kinds of obsessions people had, like the fear of using a fork and the fear of crossing the road. I was kind of amused, yet, at the same time amazed by these real-life stories. After fifteen minutes, he asked me how depressed I was again. I said hundred once more. An hour later, he asked again and I said hundred. Mr. Kam did not look pleased.

He got me another date to come back for the next therapy session. “I believe by then your depression level won’t be hundred.”

“Maybe more.” I said and went out to meet Jacky.

When I told him what I had done, he just smiled. He did not believe in my curse, as well. I would show him. I would show them just how powerful my curse is.

Gosh, can’t they understand me?

Chapter 9

Sometimes, I thought, strange things happen.

For the past few years, after my mum’s demise, I had not celebrated my birthday. I would spend the day day-dreaming or watching television. Landy does know when my birthday is, but strangely, she never once made an effort to celebrate it with me.

However, this year, it was special. I had gone to school as usual; absorbed in the lecturer’s droning voice and immersed in the countless tutorials. When school ended, Jacky came forward. He was half smiling and not looking into my eyes. This was the first time I saw embarrassment in his expression.

“Hi, Joanna, well …” he zipped opened his bag and took out a wrapped box. It was rather small and the wrapping was done exquisitely. A red ribbon was tied on top. “Happy Birthday.” he said, and with two hands, passed me the box.

I took a step back, inspected the box and then eyed him. A long period of silence went by. Jacky’s head was still hanging low. After a few seconds, he bit his teeth and whispered, “Take it, quick! I’m going to pee if you don’t take it!”

Finally, I took the present. “Thanks.” I said. It was very light and the box was hard. It had to be plastic.

“I’ve got to go.” he said and went off, leaving me alone with the box. “I’m not embarrassed! I’m really not embarrassed! I just need to pee! Just, just wear it everyday!” he yelled, as he was far away from me.

I went home and with Landy, we opened the present. It was a branded watch. From then on, I wore the watch almost every time I went out. It had become part of my life.

That silly guy. What’s there to be embarrassed about?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacky accompanied me when I went for my next appointment with Dr. Ong.

“How was the therapy with Mr. Kam?” Dr. Ong asked.

“I cursed him.”

Dr. Ong did not seem worried. He wrote something on his file. “Good for you. Okay, I remember you once said you’ve got a best friend called Landy, who is immune to your curse?”

I nodded.

“Can you get her to meet me next time?”

“I don’t think there’s a need-”

“Doctor’s order. It will help, a lot. Alright?”

Reluctantly, I nodded. When I told Jacky about it, he said he was eager about meeting Landy, as well. And I felt something. Like a little anger directed at Landy.

Was that feeling … jealousy?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When more strange things happened, I knew somehow or other that my life had changed.

On one of those days, I woke up very early in the morning. Having nothing to do, I took out almost every scrap of food in the refrigerator. Then, I took wholemeal bread and began to make a sandwich with all the trimmings.

I completed my ten-centimetre-high sandwich after fifteen minutes and packed it into a plastic bag. At lunch break that day, after Jacky and I had finished our meals, I passed him the sandwich.

“You made it?”

I nodded, not looking at him. But, I was curious to see what his expression was, so I stole a quick look at him, and my eyes never left his then.

His eyes were red. He was munching on the sandwich as if it was some expensive food from a classy restaurant. He then folded the plastic bag into a nice shape and kept looking at me.

“Is it nice?” I asked.

“Too nice.” he said, and suddenly I could hear his breathing. He was blinking a lot faster, as if to combat any tears. “Too nice.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“You made a sandwich for him? But, you’re such a lousy cook! I mean, two months ago, you tried cooking instant noodles with egg and you didn’t even bother to crack open the egg. Wait a moment.” Landy said, leaning forward to me. I could not tell whether she was serious or not. “Did you actually use bread to make the sandwich? Or did you use sand, instead?”

I pushed her away and I laughed. It felt so good to laugh. “Bread. And yeah, by the way, Dr. Ong wants to see you.”

“Me?” Landy crossed and uncrossed her legs a few times. “Why me?”

“I don’t know. You’re my best friend. My only friend. Maybe that’s why.”

“Can I … not go?”

“Come on, go. You’ll be able to see Jacky.”

“Arh. Jacky here, Jacky there.” Landy said, stuffing her mouth with a few Mentos sweets. “Alright then, I’ll go for you. Tell me, is that … Dr. Ong handsome? Is he married?”

“He’s single and available. He has a body of steel and a nuclear-powered mind. But, be careful: He’s spent his campus life learning how to read people’s minds. You won’t wanna play with his heart.”

“I love challenges.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was having my breakfast that day in school with Jacky beside me when my phone rang. Glancing around to make sure no lecturers were around, I took out my phone. It was an unknown number.

It was a nurse from Child’s Guidance Clinic. After confirming my identity, she said, “You’ve got an appointment with Mr. Kam this afternoon, right?”

“Yes.” I said, and looked at Jacky. He had stopped chewing and was darting his eyes at me. Mr. Kam was the therapist I had cursed not too long ago.

“Mr. Kam is on long term M.C. He’ll be back next month. I’ve checked with Dr. Ong, your doctor. He said he’d get another therapist for you. You have an appointment with Dr. Ong tomorrow, right? He’ll brief you on that.”

I nodded at the phone. I had been expecting this. Jacky’s mouth was wide open, trying to read something from my expression. I must be frowning.

“And yes, Dr. Ong reminded you to bring your friends along.”

“Friends?” I asked. I thought it was just Landy?

“Yes, that’ll be … Miss Landy and Mr. Jacky.”

Oh. Jacky is just a friend.

“I will. Will do. Thanks.”

After I had told Jacky everything, he shrugged and then smiled. “Dr. Kam must have a very high fever.”

“He broke his arm.”

“The nurse said that?”

“No, I didn’t ask-”

“Then, let’s just presume he had a very, very high fever, alright?” Jacky agrued. “Please, Joanna. Mr. Kam had a very high fever. Come on, repeat after me. Mr. Kam had a very high-”

“-fever.” I said, feeling like a primary school child.

“No, you must read after me. Mr. Kam had a very high fever. Come on.”

“Mr. Kam had a very high fever.” I said. Then, I realized something.

When I was with Jacky, I felt like a child in a nursery. And he, he was not the teacher, nor the fellow children. He was the big brother who always stood outside the window, smiling, encouraging and giving me tips. And, throughout the whole day, I would be staring at the window, wondering when I would be able to be with him again.

Oh shit. What am I thinking?

“She knows how to get here?” Jacky asked me for the fifth time.

“Yes.” I answered impatiently. We were at the waiting area of the Child’s Guidance Clinic, waiting for Landy. Jacky and I had come down directly after school. Landy had said she would apply for leave today just for this appointment.

The lift opened and, finally, Landy came out. She was wearing a small tee-shirt and jeans. “Landy, this is Jacky.” I said. Jacky’s eyes were wide open, looking at the area behind Landy. Landy smiled broadly and extended her hand.

“Hi, Jacky. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Landy said, obviously trying to tease me.

Jacky was still looking stunned, as if Landy was some superstar. His eyes did not meet Landy’s. Instead, he kept on staring at me, then at the wall behind Landy. “Oh, Landy.” he shook his head for a while. Landy’s hand was still extended. “Oh, Landy, Landy. Hi, Landy” he said, waving his hand instead. Then, he massaged his forehead for a while.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing.” Jacky waved off his hand. “Just another headache. Landy’s too beautiful, she’s giving me a headache.”

Landy laughed and we went to the waiting area. Dr. Ong came out shortly, inspecting Jacky. Landy greeted Dr. Ong, but he was too intent on studying Jacky.

“Dr. Ong, this is Jacky.” I pointed at Jacky, then at Landy. “And, this is Landy.”

Dr Ong turned and looked at Landy for a while, then said, “Alright, Landy, can you follow me to the room?”

Jacky crossed his leg, looking uncomfortable. He seemed to be grinding his own teeth. I patted him on the shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. Dr. Ong is a nice guy.”

But still, Jacky stayed silent. I had never seen him so quiet before. However, there was nothing I could do, so we just sat staring into space. A few minutes later, Dr. Ong came out alone.

“Mr. Wu?” Dr. Ong called Jacky. He extended his hand and this time, Jacky shook it. “Come this way, please. Joanna, you stay here for a while, alright? I need to talk to them alone.”

I nodded.

I killed my time by drinking water from the water-cooler. About half an hour later, I was summoned into the room. Landy had left, leaving Jacky alone in the room. Strangely, I had not seen her walking out. But, she had sent a SMS, explaining that she had something on. So, I was left alone with Jacky and Dr Ong. What an odd social cocktail.

“Jacky, you may go out now.”

I nearly laughed. Just when I thought things were going to be exciting, Jacky was sent out. In any case, I felt more comfortable with Dr. Ong alone.

“I’ll assign another therapist for you.” Dr. Ong said.

“I cursed the previous one. Told him that he’d break his hand. He asked for it. That’s why he’s on long-term MC.”

“He had malaria, Joanna. He didn’t break his hand.”

I said nothing, knowing that he must be lying to make me feel better. Doctors always lie, don’t they?

“It’s true. Anyway, I’ve decided to increase the dosage of your anti-depressants. Don’t keep yourself hungry. Have some carbohydrates, like rice or noodles, when you’re hungry. It’ll make you feel better. Don’t let your stomach yell for food.”

“Whatever.”

“I’ll call you again after I’ve found another therapist.”

I was desperate to get out of the room suddenly. To meet Jacky, perhaps. After Dr. Ong had given me the prescriptions, I dashed out and, as I predicted, Jacky was relaxing on the sofa, reading one of the parenting magazines. But, he was not smiling. That was not normal. In fact, that was very abnormal.

He wanted to take a taxi. After much negotiation, I agreed to it. His stern expression somehow made me weak, as if I had to give in to his every request.

When we were inside the taxi, Jacky said “West Coast Park.”

I disagreed, but he said nothing. And, when he said nothing, it meant something was very wrong. So I went with him.

Oh, gosh, where the hell is Landy when I most need her?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We took a long walk along the beach, glancing out at the sea.

The sun had just set, leaving a breathtaking image on the horizon. The currents of the sea slowly devoured the yellow light at the horizon. The tide was high, constantly threatening to push her tip to our feet.

We chatted as we walked. Jacky told me more about his childhood and his mother. He said that he felt compelled to help others when he was young due to his father’s death. His father was his hero. I, having nothing to say about any hero, just told him more about Landy. I was about to mention one of Landy’s less desirable habits when he suddenly interrupted.

“Can I hold your hand?” he said.

I wanted to smile, to jump around in ecstasy and hug him tight, and then kiss him and tell him how delighted I am. However, I did none of the above. I balled my hand into a fist and snorted, “I only allow my boyfriend to hold my hand.”

“Can I hold your hand?”

I looked away from him, trying to find something to say. “You can’t be my boyfriend. You said that before. You’ve got your … reasons.”

“Can I hold your hand?”

Now, I really felt like punching him. “No. Because only lovers hold hands. And we are not lovers.” Not yet.

“Can I hold your hand?”

“I am not your girlfriend. I cannot be because I have this curse and you’ve got your own reasons.”

“Can I hold your hand?

“Only if you’re my boyfriend and I’m your girlfriend, then we can.”

“Can I hold your hand?”

“Remember what you once said?” I bit my lips. I was staring at the ground, my heart beating a lot faster. My body seemed to jerk and I was blinking a lot faster than normal. “If we hold hands, your reputation will be spoilt. I don’t want to do that.”

“Can I … hold your hand?” he repeated, this time weaker.

I continued walking. This was getting nowhere. I turned to him, ready to scold him aloud when I stopped in my tracks.

His eyes were red, and a few drops of tears were rolling off his eyes. He was breathing deeply. For the first time since I had known him, the tough and jovial Jacky was crying in front of me.

And, he did not hold my hand. Instead, I held his and wiped off his tears. And, as my blinking glistened back to normalcy, tears rolled out of my eyes, as well, and I jerked harder.

We were like two scared, crying school kids who were lost. But, when I felt his hand on mine, I felt no fear.

Only warmth.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We locked hands till we reached my house. Throughout the journey, we were silent, as if words had suddenly vanished from our minds. But, when we reached my void deck, he released my hand and said, “Joanna, I’m always here. I’m always here, if you ever need me. Here.” He pointed to his heart.

This time, I could no longer resist the urge to hug him. I wrapped my arms around him. The tough introvert Joanna was crying for the second time within a span of an hour. “Thanks” that was all I could manage to say.

Jacky released me gently and took tissue paper to wipe off my tears. “Remember this. If you ever need me and I’m not around, just wait for me. Because I’ll always be here.”

I nodded.

“I am just like the sun and you the flower. I’ll provide sunlight for you to blossom. Sometimes, clouds will prevent me from reaching you. But, you’ll know that I’m always trying to reach you. Just wait for the clouds to clear if you can’t receive my sunlight.”

I nodded. If he kept on talking, I could flood the void deck with my tears.

“Remember: To be happy, you either change the world, or you change your thinking. To be realistic, you have to change your thinking to be happy. But, me, I will change the world for you.”

I said nothing because my mouth had been choked with my sobbing.

Gosh oh gosh. Don’t wake me up. Please, let time reach a standstill now. Right now. Gosh.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Landy was munching biscuits on the sofa when I reached home. When she saw my reddened eyes, we started our girls’ talk again.

And, finally, I admitted my true feelings to her.

“I’ve fallen in love with a guy. And, his name is Jacky Wu Zhong Xian. But, I don’t know if he likes me or not.” I said. I was lying on the sofa, still wearing my uniform. I did not feel like bathing all of a sudden, as if the water would wash away Jacky’s smell.

“Of course he likes you! I mean, he held your hand, he said all those … mushy, yet, romantic things. Don’t tell me he says that to every girl.” Landy was saying. Strange. I had not told her what had happened, yet, she seemed to know everything.

Although she made sense, I still could not forget what happened that night. “But, that day, he said that I could not be his girlfriend.”

She sighed. “Guys. Maybe, he wasn’t ready that day. Now that he is ready, what are you waiting for?”

What am I waiting for?


shut up and go




Chapter 11

I took a maximum dosage of anti-depressants, every morning.

I got a call from a nurse the next morning when I was in class. I went to the toilet to take the call. Dr. Ong had assigned another therapist for me. I agreed to go, but I had already decided not to. I had ruined Mr. Kam with my curse. They had to believe in it.

Jacky was back to himself. It was like yesterday’s episode never occurred. He continued to wear that smile everywhere he went. I wondered if he would treat me like a girlfriend, but no. He treated me just like how he treated me before. There was no difference, but I guessed that was a good beginning.

We spent the next few days studying and reading and by the next week, we were on schedule for the full-dress rehearsal of our play.

We had agreed to sing the song together as the play concluded. And, I had agreed to do the free-style play. After we had changed into our costumes, I waited backstage. The song was then played loudly.

“Two A.M. and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You’re telling me you’re so confused
You can’t make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You’re asking me”

Jacky was lying on the stage, his eyes closed. I walked forward slowly, looking at the “unconscious” Jacky.

“Romeo.” I whispered. “No, Romeo …” I rushed forward and genuflected in front of him, holding his head up. I could hear his breathing and smell his sweat. “Romeo …” I held his hand and clutched it tight. It was warm. I gripped it tighter, and then laid my head on his chest. “Why are you going away now when I’m so in love with you? Why?”

The audience (consisting of lecturers and our classmates) was so quiet that we might even hear the flapping sound of a mosquito’s wings. My breaths were unsteady. I was blinking fast again. “Please, leh, stay with me. I love you.”

I should have given the cue to play the song, but I forgot to do so. Instead, I lay on Jacky’s chest, hearing his every heartbeat. Strangely, I had a fear: I feared that his heart might stop beating anytime.
After about a minute of silence, the song was played again.

“But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But I believe
For you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I just play my part
And pray you’ll have a change of heart
But I can’t make you see it through
That’s something only love can do…”

When the song faded off, I looked at a cup of chestnut water beside me. “Poison …” I said to let the audience know that that was not chestnut water. “Poison …” I tightened my grip on his hand and I could hear a soft groan from Jacky through his closed mouth. “Wait for me, Jacky. What for I live when you not around?” and I gulped down the chestnut water. It tasted sweet.

I shook and nodded my head for several seconds before dropping onto the floor, my hand still holding on to Jacky’s. After a while, I sensed movement. Jacky was waking up. He said something before lying on my back.

Everyone clapped. We thought we had done very well when one of the lecturers spotted a very obvious mistake on my part.

“When you’re on the stage,” she said, “Jacky is Romeo and you’re Juliet.”

I wondered if she was trying to be sarcastic or she was serious about pointing out my mistake.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Our literature lecturer, Mrs Goh, treated us to dinner after the full-dress rehearsal.

Everyone was impressed with our performance. They said we had “chemistry” and it was a very touching play. I begged to differ, for I thought I could have done better.

“Call Landy and get her to join us.” Jacky suddenly cut in after we had placed our orders. I thought that was not a good idea, so I did not call her. But, Jacky persisted, “Go on, call her.”

“No means no.” I said. I felt like we were a couple having a small spat. Jacky shook his head slightly and did not press the issue.

Almost every student got either their parents or partners to send them home. Mrs. Goh offered to give Jacky and me a lift, but we politely refused. And so, we took a long bus ride back home.

“Call Landy.” Jacky commanded, when we were in the bus. There were less than ten people in the bus.

“For what?”

He glanced out of the window, then pressed the bell. With that, he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the bus. I pushed his hand off and looked around me. “Knock it off! What the heck are you doing?” We were in the middle of a highway.

“Why didn’t you go for the previous appointment with Dr. Ong? Listen to me, Joanna. Listen to me well. Go for the appointments with Dr. Ong. You’re sick.” he pointed to my forehead. “You need help.”

I shoved his hand off again and snorted, “What do you know about me? Why act as if you’re me! I cursed one of them! If I had been harsher …” I stopped. I should not talk that much. “Just …” I stopped myself.

“I’m going to prove it to you if you still don’t believe me.”

“Prove what?”

“Take out your handphone.”

I threw my bag to the ground and gnashed my teeth. “I’m not your servant. I don’t do what you want me to do!”

“I’m going to prove to you that your best friend Landy is just an imaginary friend.”

I stopped breathing for exactly one second. That was it. That was too much. I slapped his right cheek hard, feeling the pain on my hand. He stared at me as if it did not hurt. But, his cheek began to swell.

“Landy doesn’t exist,” he said.

I gave him another tight slap. The loud sound of the impact echoed into the night. Our eyes darted towards each other and images of Landy jogged in my mind.

“You created her. She is the perfect portrayal of a lady, and you want to be like her. That’s very normal, Joanna. Nothing to be ashamed of. Many children have imaginary friends. They get over it. You’ve just been talking to your imaginary friend for the-”

“No!” I yelled. My hand was too painful for another slap. “No, no, no! This can’t be! After all these … after all these fucking … fucking … fuck!” I turned. A bus came and I flagged it, but it continued to drive past me. On its sign was “Off-Service”.

“Joanna-”

“Get away from me.”

“Take out your handphone. Show me Landy is real.”

I did what he said.

“Now, read out Landy’s handphone number to me.”

I scrolled through the phonebook in my handphone. L … Lay Hong, Lemon, Leslie, Luke, Luther … I scrolled again. Still the same. Landy Wen Wen Lan is her full name. I strolled to W. Wendy, Winnie. Still no Landy.

“9 …” I halted. I did not know what to say. “9 …” Her number had got to be there! Someone must have deleted her number off my handphone. Yes, her number was my last dialled call. I just had to get to my Call Register …

Last Dialled Number: Jacky Wu.

“No …” I looked up at Jacky. He was frowning, but I knew he must have been enjoying every moment of this. That bastard …

“When you talk to the phone, you’re just talking to yourself.”

“But you saw her! You fucking saw her that day!”

“I saw no one. I acted as if I saw her. Because I did not know what to do. I was so confused. Did you know what you did that day?” he broke into a smile, and then pointed to the air beside him. “Hi Jacky, this is Landy.” He paused. “This was what you did.”

“She was there!” I was screaming now. “Dr. Ong saw her as well-”

“He faked it as well. He thought if we were to tell you that day in front of so many people, you’d be agitated. He said that the best remedy for an imaginary friend is to let it go away naturally. Make you happy, make you feel socially involved and the imaginary friend will go away. That’s the reason why he had increased the dosage of your anti-depressants.”

“My grandmother can see her as well. Explain that to me then!”

“Your grandma is three-quarters blind. She couldn’t tell the difference between Landy and the door. Who else has seen Landy before? No one.”

“You’re lying.” I said. “You’re lying!” I saw a taxi from afar. I seized my bag and held my hand out. “Fuck off, Jacky. You’re ruining my life.”

“Please-”

I could hear his fading voice, but he did not give chase. Before I got into the taxi, I took off the watch he had given me for my birthday and threw it far away.

That bastard. That fucking bastard.

Chapter 12

I cried throughout the whole journey home. The taxi-driver did nothing. He must have had picked up crying girls all too often.

When I reached home minutes later, I called Landy. Strangely, all I did was to press the last dialed number and Landy’s voice came.

“Landy, can you do me a favour? Come out now. I need your help.”

A few minutes later, Landy and I were out on the streets. It was nine at night, but the market place was still teeming with people. I approached the auntie who always sells fish soup to me.

“Hi, auntie.” I said. She was an old frail lady, but when I greeted her, her eyes sparkled. She must be surprised, for I had never greeted her before.

“Oh, hi ah girl.” She replied after some hesitation.

I pointed to Landy. “This is my best friend, Landy.” I said in Chinese.

She looked at Landy. I knew I was right all along. But after a few seconds, she took a step back and bit her lips. “What? Huh?”

I started to shiver. This can’t be… “This young and pretty lady here,” I rested my hand on Landy’s shoulder. “…is my best friend.”

The auntie was lost for words. “I…” Then she took out a yellow paper from her wallet and clapped her hands together. I stared in disbelief. She started to pray to her surroundings. “God bless…” then she said something in Chinese that I could not understand. Before I could say anything, she turned to me and said aloud, “Bye, girl.”

She then rushed off as if she had just seen a ghost. And Landy was still smiling.

I did this experiment a few more times with some other people. They either told me to stop joking, or thought I was possessed by some spirit.

None of them could see Landy.

Except me.

And just when I was about to probe Landy about this, she was gone. Just like that. Poof, gone without any warning. And, as expected, I tried calling her but I could not get through.

Oh. Bastard Jacky. He should have just shut the fuck up and left the truth unrevealed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I felt so lonely.

I went to school as usual the next day, this time, however, feeling like it was the first day of school. I was trying hard to avoid Jacky, but he was, as usual, as sticky as glue. He tried to start a conversation but I would cut him off with these two words: “Shut up.”

Finally lunch break came. This was the first time that I was not looking forward to it. Jacky bought my drink, but I went off and bought my own. “Joanna-”

“Shut up.” I said it for the tenth time.

“Let me help-”

“Why are you doing all this?” Now I was boiling with anger. Could it be the laksa in front of me that spurred me? When I looked at Jacky, I realized it was not the laksa. It was his face: his compassionate face that fueled the anger within me. “Why are you doing all this, Jacky!?” I was half-yelling.

“I want to do something meaningful-”

“Fuck you!” I screamed. The whole canteen went quiet. Only the sound of the fans’ whirring could be heard. “Don’t give me that fucking excuse anymore! There’re more than a thousand people in this school: Why me? Why!?”

He was quiet and seemed to be on the verge of tears.

“Is it because you pity me!?” If he was facing me, I could have given him a tight slap. “Is it because you think I need sympathy, that’s why you’re doing all this!?”

“Yes. Maybe because I pity you that’s why I’m doing all this.” He said softly. People were bending forward, trying to make out what he had just said.

“And when you knew that my best friend is an imaginary friend, you pitied me more?! That’s why you held my hand!? Be nice to me, because the best remedy for imaginary friends is to make me happy and socially involved? That’s why you said all those fucking idiotic things at my void deck!?”

I could tell that he was thinking. “Maybe.” He answered softly again. “That may be the reason.”

“You bastard.” A whisper this time. I splashed my glass of Diet Coke onto his face. Then I smacked his cheek hard. “You bastard.” I said again, and then walked off.

I was expecting him to give chase. But he did not.

He must have stopped pitying me. I went straight to the toilet. No one bothered to come forward to console me. After washing my tears off, it was time to go back to class. I was dreading having to see Jacky again.

We did not say anything more for the rest of the day. I confined myself to my notes and he was absorbed in the lecturer’s voice.

Gosh oh gosh. What the heck had just happened? What the heck had I just done? An imaginary friend? A one-sided love story?

Suddenly it occurred to me. Now I knew why Jacky could not be my boyfriend. That night, when he said we could not be together, I had cursed him. I had cursed him not to fall in love with me when I was angry.

My. Gosh. It was my fault. My fault!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I went back to an empty house. My grandmother came home after a few hours. Had she been seeing things as well for the past four years?

“Grandma,” I asked in Hokkien. “Do you remember Landy?”

“Of course.” She replied.

I looked around the living room. It was empty except for her and me. I pointed to the empty sofa and said, “She’s here.”

She made an effort to look at the sofa then turned back at me. Her answer sent chills down my spine. “Yes, she still looks so beautiful. I’m going back to my room. You have a nice chat with her.”

“Can you… chat with me?” I requested. Since my mother’s death, I had not had a decent chat with my grandmother. We had a “hi” & “bye” relationship. She had earned her living through collecting cans and donations from the residents. All my allowances came from her and from my auntie.

My grandmother rolled her eyes. She ambled to the sofa and sat down, patting the seat beside me. She must have forgotten that Landy was “there”.

Jacky had called me a few times but I rejected all his calls. I felt that he was just putting on a mask.

“I’m feeling very lonely.” I told my grandmother. It was just so weird. I meant, my grandmother had always been so close to me, yet I had always consigned her to one side, as if she did not exist.

“How old are you already, Gwan?” she suddenly asked. Gwan was the name that my parents used to call me. It had such a forgotten history that I nearly couldn’t remember that was my name.

I told her almost everything about myself. My age, my school and my life in general. I did not tell her about Landy and my curse. Instead, I found myself talking to her about Jacky. It just came out of nowhere.

“He’s a very nice and handsome guy.” I said. “Tall, tanned and always smiling. I always tell myself that I had not fallen in love with him.”

“Why?”

“Because… I don’t know. I knew I couldn’t love him. Grandma, what does love feels like?”

My grandmother took a very long breath. However, I could tell that she was not thinking. She was preparing for a very long chat. “Easy. Tell me, two hours ago, who were you thinking of?”

I thought back. “Jacky.”

“Who are you thinking of now?”

“Jacky.”

“And if you’re still thinking of him two hours later, you’re in love. Gwan, love is a simple thing. It’s either you love, or you don’t. You can try everything, almost everything to prevent yourself from loving, but it all boils down to this: Either you love, or you don’t.”

I pondered on her words.

“Doesn’t matter how long the love lasts. You’ll be contented once you know you were in love before. Have I told you about the magnet theory?”

I shook my head.

“You’re like the North Pole of a magnet bar, and Jacky is also like the North Pole of a magnet bar. There’s no way for both of you to be close together. There’s a force that’ll always push you both apart. This force is called the obstacle, like interest differences, communication problems and etc.

“However, if you put a metal bar in between, both you magnets will stick to it. And you’ll be close to each other. That metal bar dissolves the force that pushes both of you away. And that metal bar is what we called love.”

What a load of bullshit.

However, when I realized I was thinking of Jacky two hours later, I began to ponder her words again. Our metal bar… where can we find it? I wanted so much to ask my grandmother about it again, but she was asleep.

And so I went to bed as well.


Chapter 13

Sometimes, it is so hard to say just three words.

I smelled the rich aroma of Jacky’s coffee. The scent was overbearing. Jacky was sitting beside me, taking another sip of his coffee. I stirred my diet coke with my straw and yawned.

He still sat beside me in class as per his routine, and I did not oppose him. And at lunch break now, we had our lunch in silence. Jacky did not buy my drink; instead I bought his for him. Yet he just passed me the money without saying a word.

Through the corner of my eye, I could see that he had finished his coffee and was coughing as if coffee would create phlegm. On the contrary, my diet coke was still full. There were still about ten more minutes before we had to head back to class.

Come on, say it, Joanna!

I turned to Jacky. Stunned, he returned my look. His hair was disheveled and his eyes were bloodshot. Despite downing the whole cup of coffee, his lips still looked dry. “You look pale.” I suddenly said and instantly regretted it.

“Is it?” he twisted his neck. “Lack of sleep. Been thinking…”

I wanted so much to crack a joke so that he would regain the redness on his cheeks. But I did not. I must say it now, or never.

Come on, be brave, just three words!

“Hey.” I muttered, softer this time. I did not want others to hear me.

“Hey.” He replied. That idiot. Can’t he see that I’m struggling to say something to him?

“Hey.” I said again.

“Hey.”

“Hey, hey.”

“Can I…” he stopped.

“Wait.” I felt as if this conversation was going nowhere. “I-”

“Hold your-”

“Love-”

“Hand?”

“You.”

When we both finished our sentences, his head dropped on the table slowly, creating a loud “bang”. His body began to sway towards me. I leaned forward to hold his shoulder, trying to break his fall but he was too heavy. He went tumbling onto the ground and all I could do was to lessen the impact of the fall.

His eyes were closed and his cheeks were drained of colour. I shook his shoulders violently. Bewildered students crowded around us, whispering yet doing nothing.

“Jacky!” I was shaking him, but he gave no response. “Jacky!”

A lecturer came, dispersed the students and sent Jacky to the hospital.

And I went along with the ambulance, my heart beating so fast that I could have had a heart attack anytime.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacky’s mother was a beautiful woman – it was obvious now where Jacky’s striking features had come from. She sat in the waiting room, muttering things that I could not understand.

I was with Michael and Jacky’s other friends, all waiting anxiously as he was wheeled into the ward. Michael was trying to console all of us, and he was the one that introduced us as classmates of Jacky to his mother.

The wait was over in about fifteen minutes. The doctor came out and talked to Jacky’s mother for a while. He was not smiling, nor was he frowning. When he finished, the nurse spoke to Jacky’s mother as the doctor went off.

We went forward. I was trying to discern something from Jacky’s mother’s expression. She seemed relieved.

“Jacky’s fine. Thanks a lot for all your concern. He just fainted due to stress over his studies. And he’s not fit to see anyone now. Come back another day, alright?” Jacky’s mother told us after the nurse had left.

Everyone left but I stayed. I could sense that something was wrong. Jacky’s mother did not seem worried when talking to us. What left me dumbfounded was why Jacky should be hospitalized when he was merely under too much stress.

I entered the ward. Jacky’s mother’s eyes were red-shot. She had been crying. When she saw me, she cupped her eyes for a while before opening them.

“Didn’t I ask you all to go back home first?” she said, a bit impatiently.

“Can I talk to you?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Instead of talking at the hospital’s cafeteria, we went to the park.

Jacky’s mother was a reserved lady. Throughout the whole journey, she said nothing. When we reached the park, we sat beside an old man. The old man was wearing a patient’s uniform, and he kept smiling at me as if he knew me.

“It’s not just over-stress, right?”

“It is.”

“Being hospitalized for over-stress? Not waking up till now simply because he’s under too much stress? I’ve-”

“Please don’t act as if you know Jacky very well. You’re just his classmate, a friend, or whatever. Please, I don’t want to start a quarrel or whatever. When I said over-stress, it’s over-stress. What more can I say?”

“But-”

“He’s just under too much stress. If you don’t believe me, fine with that. I’m going back to my office. I don’t want to be over-stressed myself.” With that, she went off, leaving me alone with the old man.

“Young lady,” the old man suddenly asked. “Are you just his classmate, a friend?”

He must have been eavesdropping on our conversation. However, I saw no harm in telling him the truth, so I said, “I believe I’m more than that.”

“Alright then, love him while you can. In love, there’s only love or don’t love. Since you love him, do it now.” The old man said.

Why do all old people say the same thing? For a nanosecond, I wondered if he was my long-lost dead Grandfather or not.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Suddenly, it all made sense. It all made so much sense that I bought a pack of cigarettes and lighted one before going back to the ward.

“I wanna help you. To see you smile.”

“I want to do something meaningful while I can.”

Jacky had said that before. To do something meaningful while he could. I shivered at that thought. I really hoped that it would not be what I had expected.

I walked up the stairs with my head spinning. The cigarette had made me giddy. Jacky had awakened when I reached the ward. He was smiling.

“Hey.” I said.

He just nodded weakly, and pointed to the flask of water beside him. I poured him water. “I like coffee better.” He smiled.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I said. I was biting my lips, taking deep breaths. I could hear every single beat of my heart, and it was so fast that I was unable to count.

“You know?” Jacky mouthed.

“Your mother told me all about it.”

“Can’t be. I asked her not to tell anyone. She promised.”

“How can a matter like this be kept a secret?” I said. I realized I was smiling. Gosh. “So, how many months more do you have?” I suddenly asked, and then whispered very, very softly, “Fuck.”

Jacky was avoiding my gaze.

Please, say I’m wrong, say you don’t understand what I mean… please. Please. It was a long wait. My hands were clutched and I felt the shape of my lips: I was smiling.

Fuck, I’m fucking insane. I’m smiling. I’m smiling. I’m smiling!

Then he did the most astonishing feat I had ever seen in my life. He grabbed a lump of his hair, shook a bit, and pulled it out. Almost all his hairs were in his hand now. His scalp was nothing but few strings of thin hair.

“Two more years, to be exact if I don’t have the operation within this few months.”

Fuck.

Chapter 14

“Can’t be…” I was shaking and smiling at the same time. “Can’t be… not now… not now! Can’t be!”

How could everything come at this time? Just when I realized I had feelings for him, he had to say that he was dying soon? How could this be happening?

No!

Jacky grabbed my hand. “Cool down-”

“What disease do you have?” I whispered. I was taking three deep breaths a second. “What…?”

“I thought you knew-”

“I lied.” I said that so softly that I wondered if I had said anything. I stood up and looked out of the window. I could see a slight reflection of myself from the glass window. My eyes were half-closed, red with tears streaming down fast. I was jerking hard, as if there was an earthquake.

“Brain cancer. It’s a hereditary disease, I think. My father had stomach cancer. And now I’ve got brain cancer.”

“Isn’t there a cure for it?”

“No. The doctors can only stop the cells from spreading. But there’s a tumour in my head, so it’s hard to do treatment. The only way is…”

“Surgery?”

“Right, but it’s a surgery on the brain. So the risk involved is very high. And the percentage of total recovery is only…” he paused. I waited as I did not want to interrupt him.

“Fifteen percent.” “Fifteen? One five, fifteen?”

“Yes.”

I ran my fingers through my hair. Why… why is this happening!? Why!?

“No…” I was whispering. I stared at the reflection again. I was smiling yet shaking my head. “No, no, no, you’re lying. Oh, fuck, you’re lying.” I took out my lighter and ignited it. Then I put it out and ignited it again. I hauled out the pack of cigarettes from my pocket and played with the cover.

“Joanna, don’t be like this-”

“Stop playing with me, Jacky, stop playing with me.” I let out a sigh and dropped the lighter onto the ground. “Stop playing with my feelings. Love, leave, love, leave, love, leave. Stop it all.”

“You’ve got to calm down, Joanna. We can-”

“Fuck you.” Suddenly I felt guilty. I was scolding a guy who was going to die. What the heck am I doing? “Fuck-” I stopped. I rushed to the door and ran out.

Oh, gosh, oh gosh. Gosh. What a fucking complicated life I’m living.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had lit my fifth cigarette when I decided to think logically. I was sitting on one of the many benches in the park, glaring at every single person walking by. I had a giddy spell by my third stick, but somehow, I just wanted to smoke more.

Cancer? Death? I had never expected such issues to rub shoulders with me. It had always been the least of my worries. For the past few years, I had always been worried only about the words that I said. The curse I have been carrying.

And somewhere out there, someone close to me had been battling an enemy called cancer and fleeing from an adversary named death? Somewhere out there, a person has been smiling for twenty-four hours a day even though he was next to the gates of hell?

I blew the smoke out of my lungs through my nose, somewhat like a dragon. What could I do? What could I do to make him feel better? I was at my wits’ end, trapped in a nest of confusion.

My tears had not stopped streaming since I dashed out of the ward. I had two missed calls traced to Jacky’s handphone. I did not call back. I merely messaged him a “Give me time”. I knew I would lose control if I heard his voice.

What must I do now?

I flicked the cigarette butt away and knew there was no way I could find the answer here. I headed home. I might not have Landy anymore, but I had a new chat mate.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fortunately, my grandmother was still awake when I reached home.

It was six-thirty in the evening. She was sitting on the sofa, just like what Landy used to do. She was massaging her legs while watching the news. I sat down next to her.

This is my grandmother? Suddenly, I was hit by a tinge of guilt. We seldom talked, for I had Landy as a companion. But who did she have to confide in? Who did she approach when she was depressed? I have always been beside her, yet I lived in my own little world, ignoring the very same old lady who was sitting in front of me.

I gently pushed her hand away and rubbed at her leg. She smiled and passed me the ointment. “Wah, Gwan, so good today?” she said.

I shrugged. What kind of life had I been living for the past few years? A life of escape? A life of rebellion? Against this whole world?

I said nothing as I continued to massage. When a droplet of water splashed on my grandmother’s leg, I realized I was crying again. I dared not look up.

“Tell me what happened.” My grandmother said.

I recalled the days I spent with Landy. I would sit here, chatting with Landy while my grandmother would greet us and retreat to her room. Jacky changed everything. He chased away my imaginary friend and brought me closer to my grandmother.

I told my grandmother everything about Jacky. I told her how he smiled in every situation, how he always kept his temper. I told her about the first day that he held my hand, and how he helped me thus far. I told her everything, from my curse to Landy. And finally, I told her that Jacky was dying. And I told her of how much I love him.

“I love him.” I repeated the sentence, as if it would help. “I love him a lot.”

My grandmother did not interrupt me at all. She just nodded and occasionally patted me on my shoulder. Her eyes held contact with mine as I mouthed every word. At times she would smile when I mentioned something funny that Jacky did. Sometimes a frown would appear on her face when I raked up sad memories.

“What do you intend to do?”

I was at a loss for words. Here I was, trying to get an answer to that question. Yet there she was, posing me that question. I shook my head. “What can I do?” I whispered.

“You want me to tell you a story?”

I did nothing. I continued staring at the floor, counting the drops of tears that had escaped from my eyes.

“I’ve never told anyone about the story of your grandfather and me.” She grabbed my shoulders and held me straight up. I was amazed by her strength. “Be strong and listen to my story. Because this story is all about courage. That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?”

Chapter 15
“Your grandfather and I met when I was working at restaurant as a dish-washer. He was the cook of the restaurant. When we saw each other, we knew it was love at first sight.

“He kept staring at me while he was cooking and I could not concentrate on my washing. I stole quick glances of him, amazed by his awesome cooking skills and his good looks. By the fifth day of my work, he asked me out. I did not reject. And so we went to a park and chatted about almost everything under the sun.”

I tried to recollect memories of my grandfather. It was then that I realized I had never seen him before: He died before I was born. However, in my mind now, I was painting a picture of him: A young and handsome man who knew how to turn an uncooked egg into an omelette.

“We went on a few more dates. Unknowingly, we started holding hands. And as we continued dating, our love for each other grew so much that a day apart was intolerable.

“Whenever I woke up, I would wonder what he was doing. Whenever I walked to work, I would wonder if he was doing the same thing. If there were handphones during my time, I would have called him every single minute.

“Then one day, he brought me to a forest. Although I declined, he insisted. So we went into the dark forest, carrying only lighted candles. Suddenly, he disappeared. I panicked and nearly fainted, but he suddenly reappeared with a ring on his hand. He kneeled before me and proposed to me.”

I wiped off the remnants of my tears and tried to smile. Although I failed, my grandmother sensed my attempt and patted me on my shoulder.

“How could I have rejected? How could I have rejected such an offer? I cried on the spot, and within ten days, we were officially husband and wife.”

I realized that everyone had a story to tell: The auntie selling fish soup may have the most romantic love story; my old and stubborn Literature lecturer Mrs Goh may have the most tragic story to tell. Yet I always pondered on the poignancy of my own story, as if my story superseded all of theirs.

“Our relationship was as strong as a rock during our first few years of marriage. But everything soon changed. We began to drift apart. We seldom talked. There was just no reason for this rift.”

“You didn’t love him anymore?” I asked, curious.

My grandmother did not answer me. She sighed, and then continued, “I thought of divorce. But during my time, divorce was a taboo. We continued living together, exchanging less than a few words a day. And as a tradition, we had to bear a child for our parents.

“And so your mother is born. Even with the addition of a new member in the family, we still behaved like strangers. Your mother, angry with us for not giving her a good family, married off when she was just seventeen. And when I was fifty, I decided to move out. I lived alone here for five years, until your grandfather called me. He said he didn’t have much time left.”

I cursed beneath my breath. Jacky’s words rang in my mind repeatedly: “Two more years, to be exact if I don’t have the operation within this few months.”

“So I went to the hospital. Your grandfather asked me a question that made me think a lot: ‘Have you loved me throughout our marriage?’ I was lost for words. I spent the entire day thinking. And when I finally said yes, we hugged.

“Since then, I began visiting him in the hospital for his remaining days. He said something the day before he died which touched me very deeply: ‘I’ve been the happiest man in the world for two times: The first time is when you agreed to marry me, and the second time is when you said you had always loved me throughout our marriage. Because I have loved you all this while as well, but I just didn’t dare to say it.’”

My grandmother smiled when she finished her story. I knew that the memories of her dead husband were replaying in her mind. I, on the other hand, was thinking hard as well. There was a moral in her story, and with a twist of my neck, I finally knew what it was.

“Your grandfather was smiling when he died. Doesn’t matter how long we live as long as we live with a smile on our face.”

Yes, now I got it, the moral of the story. At that moment, I wanted to kiss my grandmother, but I dared not. However, after I had picked my keys up, I leaned forward and kissed her. “I love you.” I said, and made my way out.

Wait for me, Jacky.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had just finished telling the taxi driver my destination when my handphone rang.

“Joanna?” the female voice on the other end sounded familiar. It was Jacky’s mother. “I don’t know who else to call. You are the only one who knows everything now. Jacky’s in trouble.”

My grip on the handphone tightened and I asked, “What’s wrong?”

“The cancer cells are starting to spread. He needs an operation soon. Just… come.”

When she hung up, I got the taxi driver to stop. And for the next few minutes, I stared out of the window, saying nothing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Look at this.” the doctor pointed at a negative of a brain X-ray. A dark spot was visible on the left of it. “This is the tumour. His case is Diffuse Astrocytomas Grade Two. The cancer cells will spread, but at a very slow rate. For the past few months, we’ve been trying to stop the cells from spreading too much. But it’s hard now.”

I tried to process what the doctor had said. He was explaining in layman’s terms. Jacky’s mother sat beside me, her eyes wide open.

“The reason why we’ve not operated on him is because of the fact that his tumour is very close to his brain stem, a very important structure of the brain. However, his cancerous cells have now spread into the brain stem, growing near the cerebellum. The cerebellum is responsible for the movement of his muscles.”

“Surgery is the only way now?” Jacky’s mother said.

The doctor nodded.

“Then what is the success rate?”

The doctor shrugged. Bad news. “Fifteen percent. It is very risky as the cancer cells are inside the brain stem.”

“What if he doesn’t take the surgery?”

“He will first become paralysed. Then he will begin losing his brain functions and become brain-dead after a few months.” We were left speechless with that. He continued, as if he had no feelings. “The surgery must be done by next week. If not, we will lose control over the cancerous cells.”

“Who makes the decision?”

“He’s under eighteen, so the final decision still rests with you.” The doctor said. Jacky’s mother’s expression was a fusion of confusion and depression.

“Great.” She said, and walked off without saying bye.

Jacky’s dying within a few months. That thought whirled in my mind like a bad dream. Oh, please let me wake up from this nightmare.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had just finished peeling an apple when Jacky woke up. Actually, I had intended to eat the apple, but since Jacky woke up exactly when I had finished peeling it, I passed him the apple. He held out his weakened hand to take the apple.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, eh?” he said, taking a bite. “Get me more apples.Then I’ll be discharged soon.”

He already knew the situation. Her mother had agreed to the operation, and he was to undergo the surgery next Thursday. He knew the success rate was only fifteen percent, and he also knew the consequences if he did not undergo the surgery. Yet his trademark smile still lingered on his lips.

I wanted to say something, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. Talk to me, Jacky. “I may have a bandage here on my head when the play comes around, so I may not be able to do the play. You make sure Johnny does a great job, eh?” he said. Johnny, one of our classmates, was to take over him as Romeo. “And yeah, I took up the role because I only needed to memorise two words and got to lie on a pretty girl’s back. But now it’s different. It’s free-style. That’s why I’m backing out.” He laughed. It sounded strange.

“Rest.” I whispered.

“I’m lying on the bed with a blanket over me. I’m resting. And I’m eating an apple!” With that, he dropped the apple. It rolled off the bed and hit the floor. I went towards it but he stopped me.

“No. I’ll do it.” He said, and slowly climbed out of the bed. With great effort, he lifted the apple up as if it weighed ten kilograms. I could not make out whether he was just joking or he was really suffering. “See? I can do it. I can get an apple from the floor. Why can’t I get a rock out of my head? The rock is so much smaller than this apple!”

I stayed with him for a few more hours before I left. As I was on my way out, I saw Doctor Ong, my psychiatrist. I tried avoiding him by looking at the floor, covering my face with my hair. But my uniform gave me away.

“Hey, Joanna.” I heard his voice. “I’d really love it if you could come visit me some day.” He said, obviously trying to mock me. Go to your clinic and curse more people? I wondered.

“What are you doing here?” I said.

“I’m here to visit your best friend.” He stressed the word best. Actually, I wanted to ask him about Landy.

But before I could say anything, he was off into Jacky’s ward.

How did he know of Jacky’s condition?

Chapter 16

I had come to a profound conclusion: I had the most complicated life in the world.

Firstly, I had a fatal curse. Secondly, my longtime best friend was imaginary. Thirdly, the guy whom I love so much is dying.

Everything in my world seemed to collapse all of a sudden. I skipped school one day and visited Jacky. My classmates kept on asking me to go for the last full-dress rehearsal of the play but I declined. What good can a stupid play do now?

Jacky, as usual, was snoring his head off in the morning. I refilled the water in the flask, bought fruits to top up the basket and dug out a book to read. It had been a long while since I had read a book. The book was entitled “Destiny’s Cries”, a romantic love story set in Singapore written by Low Kay Hwa. Not too long ago, someone (I forgot who) introduced the book to me but I had refused to read it. Now, in this forlorn ward occupied only by Jacky and me, I began reading the first page.

I spent my morning listening to Jacky’s snores and reading the book. Amazingly, I finished the book within a few hours and was crying at the ending.

The story was about a guy, Alan, who found a girl, Destiny, at a rooftop. Alan went to the rooftop another day and saw Destiny again, and realized later in the story that Destiny had always been waiting for him there. But when they fell in love, trials and tribulations appeared and Alan was faced with a challenge that would test his love forever.

I began to peel an apple, hungry after all the reading. When I was done, Jacky moved and opened his eyes. When he saw the apple in my hand, he reached for it.

“Great, an apple a day keeps the doctor away.” He said. “You’re good. Whenever an apple is peeled, its colour will change within a few minutes. Yours, your apple’s colour is always so fresh.”

I shook my head weakly, saying nothing. My phone rang again but I rejected the call. “Those classmates of ours are asking me to go for the play.” I explained. Everyone knew of his condition by now. Most of them visited him during evenings as they had commitments in the afternoon.

“Go. Go and get a trophy for me.”

“I don’t wanna-”

“I wanna see the trophy when I wake up.” He said. “Come back again when you’re done with the rehearsal. Go.”

I fought my compulsion and stood up.

“Make sure you get the trophy. Make sure you get it.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The rehearsal went by smoothly.

Our lecturers decided to add a special program on the day of the play. They wanted every one of us to dedicate a message to Jacky on stage. Many of my classmates instantly composed a message. I sat in a corner and thought of what to say on the actual day. Then I borrowed a pen from Michael and slowly, I penned my message.

The play was scheduled for next Monday, four days after Jacky’s surgery. I kept on wondering whether I would be smiling or crying on that day.

After we were done with writing our messages, I went off to the hospital again. Jacky had one more week left, and I was going to make full use of that one week.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacky was reading a magazine when I reached his ward.

He smiled upon my entrance. But his smile seemed to be too wide, too forced. Something was wrong. I sat beside him and said nothing. I did not know what to say. He had always been the one starting the conversation. Not me.

“I’m going for the surgery on Thursday, 2pm. September 25, 2003.” He said.

“I know.”

“Curse me.”

I nearly dropped myself onto the floor. Butterflies flew around in my empty stomach and my tongue stuck out without my control. What did he just say? Curse him!?

“Curse me. Say I’ll never wake up from my operation. Say I’ll be in coma forever after my surgery.” He said indifferently.

I balled my hand into a fist. How can he play with my curse like that! I could hear the loud and fast thumping of my heart. “It’s not a joke. It’s not a funny matter. Don’t mess around with my curse.”

“You don’t have a curse and I’m going to prove it to you. I’m going to wake up on Thursday night, a living proof that your so-called curse is a mental illness called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Landy is one good example that you’re suffering from a mental illness.”

“You’ll-” I stopped. I was going to say the word “die”, but I managed to hold back in time. “Don’t.” I whispered. As I discovered my curse a long time ago, I had realised by now that the only way to prevent me from cursing anyone in a quarrel is by walking away.

Without saying anything further, I dashed for the exit.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacky’s mother called me a few hours later. Her voice was hoarse and choky. I was sitting at the cafeteria of the hospital, gazing at every single person who bought anything from the fruits stall.

“Jacky decided not to have the operation.” She was saying. Every time she called me, it was always bad news. How I hoped I had not picked up any of her calls. “He said the reason is because of you. What happened?”

I wanted so much to explain over the phone, but it would take a long time. “Leave it to me. I’ll go talk to him now.”

I puffed on two cigarettes outside the hospital, mustered all my courage, then went to the ward again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As I predicted, Jacky’s mother was inside the ward, talking to Jacky. Jacky was chewing on an unpeeled apple. “Ah, here comes the expert in apple-peeling.”

Jacky’s mother was expressionless. She glared at me for a while, sighed loudly and went out of the ward. I was alone with Jacky again. He was still biting his apple. “My mum doesn’t really know how to peel an apple. So I have it unpeeled.”

I was lost for words. Sometimes, I wondered if everything had been a plot. How could he still be so jovial when he knew he was dying soon?

“Go for the surgery.” I advised.

“Curse me.”

“Go for the surg-”

“Curse me. You can do it. Curse me, and I’ll go for it.”

What could I say? It was like him asking me to kill him. But if I don’t curse him, and he doesn’t undergo the surgery, the percentage of his survival is zero. But if I curse him…

“I’m going to wake up. Trust me. I’m going to prove to you that your curses are nothing but mind games. I’m going to prove to you that. Come one, curse me. If not I’ve only got a few more months to live.”

You’ll die with my curse! My curses are curses, not some simple mental illness!

I was put in the most difficult position in my life. I thought hard. Both decisions would leave me on a losing end. I felt like running around the ward now, shouting and screaming at the top of my voice.

“You don’t fuck around with my curse.” I said softly and took out my pack of Marlboro, but it was empty. Throwing it to a side, I whipped out my lighter and tossed it away as well. I was really desperate for a puff of tobacco now. “Will you really wake up?” I asked. What a stupid question. I had lost control of myself. My lips were shaking and really, I felt like jumping onto Jacky and slapping his face for a million times.

“Yes.”

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. I did not let out my breath, staying in that position for a long period of time. When I finally exhaled, I began to say something.

“Then you bastard, you fucking bastard, you’re not going to wake up once you undergo the surgery. You’re going to get into a deep coma, and then your body will be cemented like some fish in the market.”

I said that.

I just cursed Jacky to death.

Oh, fuck you, Joanna Fung Wai Gwan

Chapter 17

I washed my tears at the sink. I did not dare to look at the mirror, for I knew in the reflection stood a murderer.

Jacky is dying.

I suddenly wanted to talk to someone, but who could I talk to? I had only grandmother to talk to now, but I did not feel it appropriate to talk to her about this.

In the end, with my eyes still swollen from the crying, I went back to the ward. Jacky smiled when he saw me, waving the book “Destiny’s Cries” on his hand. “Nice book, isn’t it?”

I said nothing. I sat beside him, confused over what I had done. My curses always come true, isn’t that the case? Always…

“Look at you. You’ve cried so much that your eyes are like tomatoes. Come; let me tell you a joke. Remember that day?”

Which day was he referring to? He acted as if I could remember every day.

“You know, that day, when I went on stage and said a joke, and you didn’t laugh?”

Oh. That day.

“You weren’t listening to me that day, right? Okay, I’m going to do an encore of it. You remain seated.” He pushed his blanket away. I was blinking fast, feeling an unusual pain in my eyes. Then he stood on the bed. I could see his legs shaking, not sure because of his fear or his cancerous cells.

“What the-” I pushed my chair away. “Come down! What are you doing? It’s dangerous!”

“Miss Joanna Fung, sit down, if not, I’ll keep on standing here till you sit down. Now, I’m going to repeat my performance on 27th March 2001!”

I sank into my seat. He still remembers the exact date? Gosh. He’s… amazing.

“There was once a matchstick who scratched its head. Then it died.”

I could not believe he was doing all these. The joke was funny – in fact, very funny – but I was in no mood to laugh. Before I could say anything, he cut in again.

He pointed at me and said, “That girl didn’t laugh.” Then he jumped a step, lowered his eyebrows and raised the pitch of his voice. “Which girl?” Again he jumped a step and said in his normal voice, “That girl with the glasses and long hair.” In a high pitched voice: “You mean the girl with tied up hair?” His voice: “Yeah, that’s the one. She never laughs!” High pitched: “Joanna! You didn’t laugh?”

Finally he jumped one more step and clapped his hand. He seemed to be more active now, but he was panting softly. He darted his eyes onto mine, and this time, he said very softly, “Joanna, can you please wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke? I beg you.”

I lay back on my seat and started shaking with uncontrollable laughter. He was replaying that day so brilliantly, as if we had taken a trip back in time. Suddenly I could smell the scent of that very day: The laughter of my classmates, my anger when he pointed at me and the embarrassment when I “laughed” sarcastically. It all came back like a bolt of lightning.

Jacky seemed exhausted. He beamed weakly, and slowly, lay back on the bed. Beads of sweat were escaping from his forehead.

“You laughed.” He said. “You laughed. That’s nice. It’s been so long since I hear you laughing. Can you do me a favour?”

Actually, I knew exactly what he was going to say next. Still, I asked, “What?”

“Laugh more often.”

“I want you to hear my laughter.” I proclaimed. I was shaking my head, biting my teeth. That bastard. If he survives, I’m willing to do even a hundred favours for him. “Just… survive.”

“Alright, I promise. You promise as well, okay?” he whipped out his last finger.

I crossed my last finger with his. “I promise.”

You silly boy, just survive.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On Saturday, I went to the hospital early in the morning. As I had predicted, Jacky was sleeping. So I peeled an apple for my breakfast and before I could take a bite, I heard his voice.

“Ah, an apple for breakfast. How nice.” He held out his hand, as if waiting for me to pass him the apple.

I gave it to him. Soon after that, we started chatting. I tried not to talk about the surgery, but somehow, in the mist of the chat, I still blurted it accidentally.

“It’s an easy operation.” He told me, his face beaming with confidence. “They’d just open up my skull, pull out the rock and sew my head back.”

I said nothing and so he reached for the drawer. I helped him open it and saw a familiar watch inside. “Can you take out the watch?” His hand was shaking. Gosh oh gosh, I suddenly remembered what the doctor once said.

“He’s slowly losing his ability to co-ordinate his muscle movements due to the cancer cells in his cerebellum. Just don’t let him do strenuous movements.”

I held the watch in my hand. It was the watch that he had given me for my birthday, the watch that I had thrown away in anger. Yet it still looked so new, as if it had just been cleaned.

“I really needed to pee that day. That’s why I ran off in such a hurry. I wasn’t embarrassed!”

“Okay, I believe you.”

“And er… remember the twenty bucks that I owe you?”

“Twenty bucks?”

“Yeah. That day when I needed a taxi to go home. Look, my wallet is-”

“Can you return it to me after your surgery?” I interrupted. “Please.”

He shrugged, laughing. “Okay. Gosh, I’ll wake up with a large load of debts.”

“Just one.”

“I also promised my mother that I’ll return her with a lifetime of love after I’ve wake up.”

“Oh.”

Can you also return me with a lifetime of love after you’ve wake up?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Someone once told me the longest wait is not created by the amount of time passed, but by your mind.

I was sitting beside Jacky, peeling another apple. He could not eat, for he would be undergoing the surgery in an hour’s time. I took a bite out of my apple and understood why he was so keen on eating these apples: The taste was a balanced combination of sweet and sour.

Jacky smiled, as if he was reading my mind. His face was an obvious victim of cancer: His bright and round eyes had veins snaking around. He must have lost at least three kilograms within this week.

“One more hour.” He whispered. Or maybe he was shouting. That was his loudest voice.

“One more hour.” I replied.

And so, we spent the next thirty minutes chatting about anything and everything. He told me about his mother, and I thanked him for bringing my grandmother back into my life.

“I didn’t do much. She was always beside you. You just didn’t notice her till now.”

As usual, he was that modest. Suddenly, he asked, “Can I hold your hand?”

I blushed and did not reply. However, my right hand automatically reached for him. And then we locked our hands.

“Wait for me, okay?”

I nodded.

“I’ll be back. So don’t you run off! I’m still the sun, shining on you, the flower. I’ll be back once the cloud moves away. Wait, just wait, okay?””

I turned my head to prevent him from seeing my teary eyes. A nurse came in, and for that moment I wanted to yell unlimited curses at the nurse. But I stopped myself and turned to Jacky.

“Hello, you’d better come back. Even if you’re in hell or heaven, or any other place, you’d better come back here. Because I’ll…” I could not continue. I paused, gave myself a breather, and said, “I’ll be here, waiting for you.”

He let go of my hand and used a finger to poke my hand. It was his last finger, intimating me to shake it. I held out my last finger as well and we locked finger, shaking up and down.

“I promise.”

“I promise too.”

And as he was wheeled off, I experienced the longest wait in my life.

Chapter 18

I tried to kill time by counting my breaths, but it was the dumbest thing to do. I gave up after my hundredth breath.

I was waiting at the backstage, looking at plays staged by other classes. One of our buddy classes did very well, causing the entire audience to give a standing ovation at the end of their performance. I wondered if ours would cause such a stir.

The wait was finally over. The host announced my class’s name, and the curtain was drawn. AVA crew rushed onto the stage out of nowhere to position the microphones and other props to our desired positions. I was expecting the break to last for more than two minutes, but before I knew it, two AVA members pulled the curtain opened and a round of applause rang across the hall.

Johnny said something on the stage, and when I heard a loud “thump”, I took in a long breath and stepped onto the stage. A few people in the audience “oohed” and “aaheed”. I continued strolling forward until I was just in front of Johnny. His eyes were closed.

Slowly, I kneeled and held his head.

“I want Joanna to be Juliet. J for Joanna.”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Everyone sat outside the operating theatre, just like the scenes from those melodramatic Channel 8 drama serials that always showed on TV at nine o’clock.

Jacky’s mother sat closest to the door. Our classmates were all close to a vending machine, and me, I was sitting furthest from the door. I had told them to leave me alone, for I knew now words could no longer calm my soul.

Memories of Jacky lingered in my mind. I imagined what would happen five hours from now: Would I be dancing with happiness, or would I be crying in depression?

Half an hour passed, but it felt like half a century. The lobby was so quiet and scary that nurses dared not walk pass us unless there was a real need to. I unleashed my pack of Marlboro – to the surprise of my classmates – and began to unwrap it. I did not smoke there, of course.

Another fifteen minutes passed. I clapped my hands together, for the past seventeen years, I had not believed in the man above us. Now, I closed my eyes and prayed.

God, if you’re up there, do me a favour. Just this favour, please.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


The song played loudly in the background. Someone in the stage was singing along, but her voice sucked, compared to Trademark’s melodic voice. I stared at Johnny’s closed eyes.

“Wake up.” I whispered, my voice amplified by my microphone clipped on my collar. “Wake up, wake up, please. I beg you, just wake up. You made so many promises. So many. Don’t die on me, Romeo. Don’t leave me alone here! Please!”

Johnny had no response. He was, after all, a professional. I clicked my fingers, and the song played again. Beside me was a glass of chestnut juice that I had drank for more than fifty times during the rehearsals.

“Please stay with me. I love you. That’s what you’ve been trying to tell me, isn’t it? I love you…”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


After an hour passed, I read the messages Jacky sent me again.

I’m sorry if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t you? Let me fetch you on that day, okie? Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes… Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. Ease your illusions! let me help… You’ve gonna come for it! Only you… yourself can help yourself… Understanding yourself is most important…

He said that there was a message coded in it. What message? I read it, again and again. It did not ring a bell until I wrote it down in a piece of paper.

Gosh. I dropped the phone and the pen. I dropped my head, and I nearly dropped on the floor myself. Now I knew what he was trying to say after all. It all made so much sense. So much sense!

I jumped up and dashed towards the door of the operating room. A few of my classmates caught me by my arms and shoulders. I continued to struggle towards the door, but they held me back.

“What’re you doing?!” they demanded.

I tried to keep their hands off me but their combined strength was too great for me. So I relaxed and went to my knees. Jacky’s mother was still holding on to a calm expression.

I looked at my watch, the watch that Jacky had given me. I kept my feelings in check and went back to my seat, clapping my hands together again.

Jacky, you’ll better wake up. I’ve decoded your message. Silly!


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


“Come on, wake up. Everyone wants a happy ending. Wake up, wake up…” My face was now bathed with tears. I could hear a few soft sobs in the audience, followed by a few “wows”. My performance must have been very impressive.

I grabbed the cup of chestnut juice. “Poison…” I said, staring at it as if it would change colour. “Poison. What for I live if you’re not around? I live because of you. Now that you’re gone…” I recalled that I should add in some Singlish to inject humour into the play. So I said, “No use liao. I’ll die then!”

No one laughed. Instead, I heard more people crying.

I gulped down the chestnut water in one smooth feat. Soon after that, I was lying beside Johnny. A few seconds later, Johnny stirred, and slowly I felt him holding my head. I did not concentrate on what he said, for my part was already over. When he screamed, he lied onto my back and he song was played again.

“But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But I believeFor you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I just play my part
And pray you’ll have a change of heart
But I can’t make you see it through
That’s something only love can do…”

Is there something only love can do? When everything fails, shall I turn to love?


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


I did not pick up my handphone nor did I pick up the piece of paper on the floor. I was rooted to my seat, and when I examined my hand, I realized I was shaking non-stop.

When my first teardrop splashed onto the piece of paper, I clutched my hand. At my tenth teardrop, the door opened, and almost everyone stood up except me. I dragged my head up slowly, and stared at the scene in front of me. This was the moment I had been waiting for, yet I suddenly did not feel like knowing the truth.

The doctor came out first. There were dark rings around his eyes, as if a victim of lack of sleep. As he talked to Jacky’s mother, he shook his head once. Then Jacky’s mother cupped her face with her hands, and the doctor tapped her shoulder softly.

I dropped my head backwards and felt a sharp pain on my skull

The doctor whispered something to her, and then pointed the ward. I was trying to read his lips but he was too fast. Jacky’s mother uncapped her face and stared at the doctor, then shook her head softly, mumbling something. A few minutes later, the doctor pointed to a nurse and walked off.

The nurse said something to Jacky’s mother. My classmates all crowded around, their expressions a fusion of fear. I ruffled my hair and snorted aloud.

“Jacky.” I whispered, so soft that I wondered if anything came out of my mouth.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


“Jacky’s not only a classmate, not only a friend. He’s a role model, a leader’s leader, a mediator and the best person I’ve ever seen in my life.” Michael was saying. He put the piece of paper he had been reading into his breast pocket and continued. “I’ve only remember myself crying twice. Once was when I watched the movie Titanic. And the second time…”

The audience was so quiet that no one dared to cough. Michael finally squeezed a tear from his left eye, and he muttered softly into the mic, “This is the third time.”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


When I saw Michael stepping back, plunging onto the nearest seat, I knew it was something really bad.

He enveloped his face with his large hands, and when he jerked a few times, I knew he was trying. I confirmed it when drops of water seeped down his wrist. Michael was crying. Jacky’s mother was crying as well. All my classmates started to cry as well.

Everyone was crying. I glanced at the piece of paper. Not only had it been dampened, the entire floor beneath me was a pool of tears.

Is this how death looks like?


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


“But.” Michael cut in. Most of the girls in the audience were crying, including those in other classes who did not know who Jacky was. “But Jacky once told me, boys shall not cry. We’re born with broader shoulders to let girls cry on our shoulder. So,” he wiped off his tears. Well, he failed. They kept on coming. “Let’s go with Jacky’s advice. This is for you, Jacky.” He smiled, and walked away from the mic.

There should have been two hosts, a boy and a girl. But the girl was nowhere to be seen. The boy went to the stage and announced, “Let’s welcome Jacky’s best friend, Joanna, to dedicate a message to Jacky.”

A round of weak applause greeted me. I stepped forward to the mic and adjusted it to my height. Then I pulled out a piece of paper from my pocket and stared at it. It was a page long, and I had spent two hours penning it.

I started to read it. “Jacky Wu Zhong Xian is a very-” I paused. Then I crushed the paper into a ball and dropped it. Looking at the audience with my earnest eyes, I said, “There was once a matchstick who scratched its head. Then it died.”

There was no response from the audience.

“That boy didn’t laugh.” I said, pointing to an empty space in the hall. “The guy with glasses and short hair. Yeah, that’s the one. He never laughs!”

I closed my eyes. It was too hard. I imagined myself in the audience, showing him an angry look. “Jacky,” I started, my eyes still closed. “Can you please… wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke? I beg you.”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


I was still immobilised by the shock when I heard a voice.

“You must be Joanna.” I looked up. It was the doctor. Upon a closer examination, I realised he could be less than forty-years-old. I nodded, waiting anxiously for what he was about to say.

“Before Mr. Wu went into the operating room, he said these to me: ‘Doctor, I’ve got a stupid rock in my head. Get it out, because I wanna marry a girl call Joanna Fung. Alright? I’ll invite you to our wedding. So you’ll better get this rock out in order to attend our wedding.”’

He paused, and then continued, “I’m sorry things turned out this way.”

I took in a deep long breath but I did not exhale. My hands were glued to the sides of the chair.

“Well, Joanna, I don’t know whether you’re the luckiest, or the most unlucky girl in the world.”

I cried, and I forgot when I stopped crying.

Chapter 19

The doorbell rang when I was rubbing my grandmother’s leg. I did not feel like going to the door, thinking that it must be some salesman trying to promote a new kind of ‘super’ vacuum cleaner. But grandmother pointed to the door and nodded her head.

I got her signal and went to the door. The moment I opened the door, my eyeballs nearly dropped out and I bit my teeth hard. It was Jacky’s mother. She was expressionless, staring at me as if I had just done something wrong.

I knew there were only two reasons on why she had come: Either it was good news or bad news about Jacky. Judging from her red eyes, I knew it had to be bad news.

“Joanna.” She started and I wondered how she got my address. But I knocked that thought off and concentrated on her. “This is from Jacky.” She passed me a white envelope. “He said if anything happened to him, I must give you this letter.”

I felt the letter within my fingers. There was only a single piece of paper in the envelope.

“He’s still showing no response. It’s over. If he still doesn’t wake up next week, I’m cutting off the life support.”

I stared at the envelope for I dared not look at Jacky’s mother. I closed my eyes and waited for her to say something. But she kept quiet. So I nodded, said goodbye to her and slammed the door shut.

“If he still doesn’t wake up next week, I’m cutting off the life support.”

Was this the guy who had told me a joke about a matchstick that had scratched his head then died? Was this the guy who had told me that he would always be my sunshine?

Was this the guy whom I loved deeply?

My grandmother made her way slowly to her room. She was singing some old Chinese song which I did not understand. I jumped onto the sofa, switched on the lamp and tore the envelope gently.

Was this guy Jacky?

Gosh. My tears came again, and I knew they would keep on falling unless I drifted to oblivion.

Dear Joanna,

As I am writing this letter, a freezing remorse is washing inside my body. The ward is serene, and only in this quietness can I fill my thoughts on this piece of paper. I regretted so many things yet I can do nothing now. I should have, yet I did not. Joanna, what I wanted to tell you is that I love you.

Since the day I first talked to you, I told myself that I must not fall in love with you. As we got closer, I continued to tell myself that I did not love you. I held your hand, I cried when you cried, I smiled when you smiled, but still, I told myself: No, I don’t love you.

I must not love you, for I may leave this world anytime. But just now, someone told me something meaningful. I was taking a rest in the park when I saw an old man in his seventies. We chatted, and he said this to me: “In love, either you love, or you don’t.”

It was when I remembered the day when I walked you home. A frail old lady, also in her seventies, chatted with me. Somehow, our conversation also ended with this sentence, “In love, either you love or you don’t.”

In love, either I love you, or I don’t. Joanna, I had been thinking. I had been trying not to love you, but the fact remains: I love you. I can try to forget you, I can try not to love you, but still, it still boils down to this single sentence: I love you.

My message. My SMS messages. I know you have not deleted it. Go decode it.

If you’re reading this letter, I must be in a coma. But I just wanted to tell you, Joanna, I just want to tell you how much I love you.

Just wait for me if I’m in a coma. I’ll be back. Peel an apple for me; I’ll still be having it. This letter will be my motivation to wake up.

Wait for me. Wait for the sunshine. Wait for the clouds to clear. Wait. For. Me.



Jacky Wu

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Someone once said that time would dry the tears. It had been a month, yet my tears kept on dropping whenever I saw him.

Jacky had been going on a glucose diet for the past thirty days. I tried talking to him every day, singing to him every week but still, he did not move.

Where’re the promises you made to me?

If I had one of the abilities of God, I would have chosen to re-live my past, and slowly, tenderly, treasuring every single hour, minute and second with you. Every single moment with you.

But it was too late. All too late.

I laid my head onto the side of his bed. It had been an exhausting day for me. I had to hand up all my tutorials today and I was going to have a tough economics test the following day. It had been a long while since I had a good night’s sleep.

The moment I closed my eyes, I drifted into a deep sleep. In my sleep, I forgot everything and dived into a beautiful dream. I was in a crowded bus. A masculine voice captured my attention.

“Hey, hello!”

I glanced up, looking for someone. A guy had just boarded the bus, and he was smiling at me. I smiled back instantly, feeling an urge to walk to him. He squeezed past everybody in the bus and stood just beside me.

“Hello!”

He yelled although he was just beside me. I laughed, but still I said nothing, as if a force was sealing my mouth.

“Hello to Joanna!”

Somehow, I felt a familiarity in this scene. Even the voice sounded familiar. I took a very deep breath and regained control of myself. I looked around with my tired body and saw myself in the ward.

“Hello. Where’s my peeled apple?”

The images had just been a dream, but the voices were reality.

Chapter 20

I stroked his hand softly, feeling the warmth. This is another dream, isn’t it? The images are so clear: I can feel the beads of sweat on my forehead. There are so many colours. Jacky had just opened his eyes.

I heard voices when I was sleeping. I thought the voices were just part of my dream, but the voices in my dream sounded so real, yet the images in it looked so hazy. Now, as I rubbed my eyes, both the voices and images were real. This is definitely not a dream.

“Talk to me.” I said, my voice a bit dry.

“Hey, hello to my girl, Joanna.” His voice rang again, louder this time. His eyes were half-closed and he was smiling. “Where’s my peeled apple?”

I could feel my mouth opening wide and my throat choking with phlegm. I wanted to jump onto him, giving him the hug of his life. But if I really do that, he may plunge back into a coma again.

“You idiot.” I whispered, toying with his fingers. “You idiot, do you know your mum was going to let you go if you had decided to wake up tomorrow? Do you know, huh? Why don’t you just go to hell?”

Jacky laughed weakly. “I choose my dates carefully.”

“You sure do.”

“Like, when I was in Secondary One, I chose Candy Tzu as my date. When I was in Secondary Two, I chose Ru Hua. Well, When I was in Secondary Three-”

“Not funny.” I cut in.

“In Secondary Three, I chose Joanna Fung, and I’ll make her my date forever.”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


When I first saw my grandmother’s photo in her funeral, I squeezed Jacky’s hand tight. I did not shed any tears. I just stared, and stared, and stared.

My grandmother had passed away peacefully two weeks before my A Levels. Initially, when I saw her lying on the sofa, I thought she was just resting. I went forward, wanting to wake her up. It was then I realised she was smiling but her eyes were closed.

When I noticed that she was not breathing, I did not call the ambulance instantly. Instead, I paced up and down, and finally, I called Jacky. Until now, the cause of her death is still unknown. It seemed to be of old age.

“You’re a strong girl.” Jacky said to me.

There were less than ten people attending the funeral, and I felt sad for my grandmother. Still, I did not cry.

“Come on, sit down. I’ve got something to tell you.” Jacky said, motioning to a chair. When I settled down, he passed me a packet of drink. “Remember the letter I wrote for you? I asked my mother to pass it to you if I were in a coma.”

I nodded.

“Well, I did say something about an old lady in your void deck, giving me some advice on love right? That love is either yes, or no. There’re no other excuses.”

My heart skipped a beat. My grandmother had told me that before, and Jacky had heard this from some old lady near my void deck.

“Your grandmother was the old lady.”

Now I really felt like crying. Firstly, my grandmother became my chat mate. Then she became my advisor. And now I discovered she had also contributed to bringing me Jacky.

Ironically, Jacky had brought me my grandmother and my grandmother had brought me Jacky.

“Now, look here.” Jacky pointed to my left. I turned my head and wheezed. It was the old man in the park at the hospital who had given me the advice of love as well.

“What the…”

The old man was staring at my grandmother’s coffin with teary eyes. After a while, he said something to himself and went off.

“Ours is not the saddest story in the world. There’re so many stories going on. Ours is just one of the many.”



-the end-

BlogMistress♥

sabrinnateoweisin A.K.A sabbi
a Sky achiever;2e1
popped out on 18/8

Crap Here♥

get one from cbox!

Favourites♥

6love best-est class♥♥♥♥♥♥
Parents♥♥♥♥♥♥
SuperJunior♥♥♥♥♥
People♥♥♥♥
1e1♥
BallRoom Dancinq♥
Eatinq♥
Food♥
Home♥
Korean Shows♥
Listeninq to Music♥
Sleepinq♥
Stayinq at Home♥
StoryBooks♥
Sushi♥
Taiwanese Shows♥
Watchinq TV♥

Wishlist♥

Samsung GALAXSY S phone
Maths to pass

DarLinks♥

Celine
Christine Stella Syaza 6love Best-est Class

Food Reviews♥

Ashtta PeiXuan JiaZhen HonqFanq JieYi JiYa YuanTinq MeiEr Me:D Sri Stella Syaza HuiHua MeiRu Joyce Christine Ajmal Edward Jeremy Jovan Riyas Indra Fauzi JunXian ZheJian Noah Wilfred

Rewinds♥

July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011

Credits♥

designed by lil.queens
photos: bexidaisy on DA
host: imageshack & imeem
inspiration & lyrics: TLG
title script source unknown.

Edited by : Christineee Niang♥